Blended AF - Episode 4 - Step-Parents UNFILTERED

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Transcript

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Welcome to blended af, the podcast where real co-parenting meets real life. Hosted by Kara and Brianna, were having honest conversations about blended families growth and navigating it all together. All right. Well, we're gonna do a stepparent special. I have Nicholas here with me a lot. And we're gonna talk about life as a stepparent. Oh, God. And you don't have biological kids? I do not. So this is your first, like, you've been here six years. Uh, yeah. Yeah. So you were kind of like thrown into this dove head first. Yeah. How was that in the beginning when you were like, oh God, to be a, a dad? Uh, I don't know. It wasn't really that bad. It wasn't like I. Like, you always hear the horror stories of like people coming in and being like, no, they're gonna call me dad. And I was like, yeah, we're not gonna do that. Am I talking too quietly? Maybe? Yeah. It's a different, uh, clear enunciate. Yeah, because I didn't like, it was also different 'cause I didn't want to, like, Kara didn't want me to meet the kids right away, which I was totally fine with. Mm-hmm. But I also didn't want to meet the kids until I had met Aaron first. Yeah. And I made that a point. Yeah. Just because if I did have kids and if I were in his situation, I'd want to know what dude is around my kids. Yeah. For sure. Sure. Yeah. I remember we went to Chili's was Yeah, I was up at zone chili baby. Pet barbecue salts. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh. We met and it was actually like, not as awkward as I thought it was gonna be. What was your first impression of Aaron? Uh, he was nice. I made it awkward 'cause I was weird. How are you? Weird. I don't remember you being weird. It still sticks in my head. What did you, what did you do? So remind me, we were, I was there. So you, Aaron and I all went to Turner. Yeah. Grew up in Turner. Right. Kara didn't, and we were talking about people we had dated in the past and like an idiot. I was like talking to Aaron. I was like, well, at least we're not Eskimo brothers. Oh, but you are. But we are, so Aaron obviously has kids with Kara. Huh. And so I said that and the table got quiet and I was like, oh wait. So are you sure that wasn't your like attempted a bad joke? No, it was totally unrealized until I said it. 'cause I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Honestly though, like sometimes I really do forget that Karen and Erin were actually married and they actually have kids together, which is such a weird thing for me to actually forget. Yeah. In the moment because there's so many different hats and we all hang out as friends. Yeah. And we talk like friends. Right. So for a brief moment, sometimes I do forget like, oh yeah. Like they were married for years. Right. It, I almost look at it, it's like a completely different life. Yeah. They were different people then too. Oh, by far. Yeah. So once you moved in together, what was the biggest struggle like at that point? Uh, the chaos of the Kara household. What elaborate on that. What does that mean? So I think at this point I'd been in the Army like six or seven years and uh, and I'd been a cop for a year. And like with those jobs, everything is like organized and neat and structured. And if anyone has ever been around Kara, that is not the way that she is, at all. Props to her, she's done way better. But just the chaos of everything, kids randomness, no plan whatsoever with anything. That was the hardest part to adapt to. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's changed now or do you think you've just adapted to it? Uh, a little bit of both. Do you have conflict there? Sometimes? Yeah. How she, she's getting better. She uses her calendar every day. I ask her what her day looks like. She sends me a screenshot of her calendar. So It's getting better. Yeah. Nice. And I don't freak out over the disorganization as much. I don't feel like, yeah. Do you guys have conversations about that? Uh, yeah. Sometimes. I don't think we have recently. She's the one that showed me how to use my calendar. Yeah. I wasn't gonna say anything. There you go. That makes sense though. She was struggling with all of the things that she has in her day to day life and I was like, you need to color coordinate your calendar and just use it. You just gotta start using it. Yeah. I probably need to do that, but I, I don't like it on my phone. It just doesn't, I don't know. I'm worried. I'd like to see the calendar as I'm walking by it. It. You wanna write it like on a wall? Yeah. Oh my God. You can. What? Are you gonna take the calendar with you? Well, we have one on our pantry door, but what if you're out? Well then I already know what I'm doing for the day. Oh, okay. Like with Parker's basketball schedule, like we write that on there and then probably gonna start writing my school stuff on there. Yeah. Back to school. Who came? Mom that. Okay. So where's it's dad? Well, yeah, dad, that's a whole other story, but we'll talk Mom. You don't have dads? No. Around here. Fine. Uh, how do you feel like growing up without a stable dad has set you up or not set you up as a parent? Um, the dad who was there. If you can call him stable, but in a chaotic way. Mm-hmm. So how Aaron is a dad to the kids is completely different than how I was raised. And I try, like I'm nowhere near the dad that I was raised. So I always grew up with the idea of not being like who my stepdad was. Mm-hmm. 'cause he's a total piece of shit. Yeah. Now I struggle with things differently, than what he struggled with. So it's just kind of like. I'm nothing like he was. And so like that version of a stepdad is not what I am. Mm-hmm. So, that part's not really difficult. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever found yourself subconsciously,, slipping into certain habits that you grew up with? Yeah. How have you dealt with that? Not well. It, it is more of just like I grew up, you know, very structured. Like, this will be done first. This will be done first because my mom worked her ass off. My stepdad wouldn't, I mean, he was around, but he wasn't doing anything. Mm-hmm. And so like, stuff had to be done around the house and if it didn't get done, like I had to watch my mom do it. Mm-hmm. Which sucked 'cause she worked all day. Mm-hmm. And well also, if I didn't do it, I got in trouble. So it wasn't like, it was like, it's not like, oh, you're gonna like, you know. Just straighten up the living room today. It was like, no, you're deep cleaning the bathroom every day. The dishes are done every day. Mm-hmm. Uh, God forbid if you don't set the chicken out to thaw. Mm-hmm. Like hell will rain down. You and I grew up really similarly and the responsibility that we had as kids was not anything like what our kids have. Okay. So I have a younger brother and sister. I was watching them when I was in like fourth grade. Mm-hmm. Which is wild. Yeah. It's, it was a different time. One and two circumstances were different. Yeah. And so you always want better for your kids than you had. Yeah. But there is a price to pay sometimes for that. Oh yeah. Because they grow up and they have almost everything they want or need at their fingertips because you wanted to provide that for them. Yeah. And then you did that and you realize, oh, well now they don't have as much responsibility. Now they don't get to learn these certain life lessons. They probably won't have jobs when we have jobs or the amount of chores or just in general responsibility. And I think that there's a happy medium, but sometimes you just don't find that. Yeah, it's definitely something I'm trying to come to peace with. I didn't exactly have like a happy childhood through no fault of my mom. She did the best she could, but it wasn't like, like the happy childhood like I think our kids have. Yeah. So that's great. My fear is just them not being prepared to be an adult. Yeah. Which is part of our job. And that's the biggest part of our job as parents. We of course want to give them love and support and we wanna give them the world. But at the end of the day, we still have to prepare them to be successful adults or else we're gonna continue to parent them no matter how old they are. Right. And I don't want that. I don't think any of us want that. Yes. But parenting styles do come into play, I think. Oh yeah. All four of us have different parenting styles and so, you have to kind of communicate and blend those to kinda have a meaning to it. What's really important to you might not be super, super important to Kara, but how can you come to the middle ground of both? Yeah, I've just kind of, I've been trying to do a better job lately of following like her lead when it comes to parenting. 'cause obviously I didn't start from the beginning. Yeah. And so I think just trying to step back and let the kids be happy is the number one thing that, it's not that I struggle with it, it's that like, um, which isn't always easy. Yeah. But there's nothing wrong with happy first then work as long as it gets done outta the way. Yeah. So I agree with that. Yeah. As long as everyone is on the same page, I think that could work. Right. But, when things start going off the rails for one of the parties, if that communication can be kind of like upfront and quick instead of letting things fester Yeah. Then I think that's always gonna be better. Because I know I can let myself kinda sweep things under the rug. Or, if Aaron and I have a disagreement on parenting styles or Kara and I or whatever, sometimes I'm just like, I'll bite my tongue. I'll bite my tongue. But if you talk about it right away, usually it kind of resolves itself much faster. And I, I think this is something that the four of us have done better lately, and this is back to one of your other questions is I think we're more active in our group chat mm-hmm. Between the four of us than we have been in over the last year than we have been in five years. I agree. I think in the last six months. Yeah. Like we've always had a group chat. Well, Kara, Aaron and I had a group chat. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Yeah. And you were like, it was not in No, you weren't in it. And you, when you realized we had a group chat and you were like, what the fuck did we get a group chat. Yeah. And then so I added you and you declined it. You like you left the group 'cause you were being a brat. I think I was fucking with her either way. You left the group. Yeah. But now we have one. Yeah, we do. And but it was a funny start to it. Yeah. Do you ever feel like you were the outcast parent? Oh yeah. But I think that is because, and so like, and Karen and I have talked about this, so I think I've been outta law enforcement for two years now and two and a half, something like that. Um, but because of my work schedule and what I did, it kind of always kept, there was like a wall of separation there. Yeah. 'cause you worked nights. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'd get like four hours of sleep and when I was awake I'd be a grumpy asshole. Mm-hmm. And then I believe. You know, at six o'clock at night when everybody's like gathering and Yeah. Family time or whatever you wanna call it. But there was always that separation there every six months or so, I think about that and it's like, okay, that's chipping away now that I'm here all the time. Yeah. Um, so you kind of felt like you were behind on those bonds Yeah. Because just of time your schedule. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was here but not here. Yeah. So how do you feel like now? Do you still feel like the outcast parent sometimes? Or is it better? It's better. It's better and, and I think I do it to myself more. But that's because I look up to the three of you as parents and so it's always like, damn cares better at this damn Brina, and I'm better at this. I need to work on that. So, like that's just a me thing, but that's me just trying to be conscious of it and better. And so, yeah. Well you also have to think about it. We've been doing it longer than you have. That is true. So we have more experience. Yeah. And when you become a parent biologically, you get at at least three or four years of parenting without your kid ever remembering what the hell you did. Yeah. So unfortunately, you make mistakes and you don't do things correctly all the time. And you learn, and your kids don't remember that at that age. You remember it, but your kids don't. And so when you came in, the kids are older. Yeah. And so they're gonna remember every mistake that you've ever made. Right. And that's not necessarily your fault. Right. And that doesn't mean that we haven't made those same mistakes. They were probably just because they were younger and they don't remember. Okay. So is there ever like a, a stepparent struggle that you've, you haven't really ever wanted to, like, say out loud that you deal with? Nothing that I haven't really said out loud. I don't, nothing that doesn't come to mind. More of just, just like we talked about feeling behind, but that's just experience. Like yeah, I came in when Parker was nine and Logan was four. Mm-hmm. So you never did the baby stuff, right? Well, you've never changed a diaper. I have never changed a diaper. Even when the twins going strong. I know. I even tried to when the twins were little and we were like, Nope. Well, to be fair, I was going to one time and uh, well I sold Wipes are not meant for humans. I remember that. I didn't get the babies with it, but it was gonna happen. Yeah. Lied. Tara stopped me. I was like, these babies are gonna be really clean. I use 'em for my hands. You probably fine. Well, you are gonna get cancer. We're all gonna get cancer. That's true. Well, so one thing that I struggle with kind of sometimes as a stepparent is I am so over concerned with making sure that they're comfortable in. My relationship with them and that I feel like sometimes I, I don't wanna say neglect my biological children, but I do like, kind of in my mind, like put them later in my mind because I, at the end of the day, know that they are gonna always love me, but I'm like so, so focused on my relationship with Parker and Logan that I think Braxton feels like he misses out a little bit on me as a mom, but you don't have that same dynamic. But I think people can relate to that. Yeah. What do you feel like you do more? Parker knows members. I'm more patient with them. Yeah. I think that's the biggest thing. I'm more patient with them and I give them the benefit of the doubt a little bit more. But I will say being a stepparents made me a better parent. Because I have had those like pause moments with Braxton and I'm like learn like, okay, is this the best way that I should handle this? Is can I communicate better with him? Can I pause and take a breath before I react? Because I am kind of a reactive person, especially as a mom. Like there's Mom Brianna and there's employee Brianna and there's wife Brianna, and we're not all the same. And then there's like each parent with each kid, like I parent them all completely different and the same but different. So when Karen and I got together, we were still playing with the idea of having kids versus not. And I told her one of my fears was if we had a kid, I would treat the kid differently than my step kids. Mm-hmm. Did you and Aaron have that talk before having the twins? No, because Brexton is not Aaron. I mean, he's adopted him, but yeah. No. Um, I wish that we would've though, like, I just, in my mind was like Aaron had kids and I had Braxton. I saw Aaron as a dad already, right. And so I was like, you know, oh, there isn't gonna be anything. But, uh, he does have different relationships with all of his kids. And I do think, like, I don't wanna say like standards are different, but there's like different expectations that he has, especially like boys versus girls. And like, I think that's pretty normal for people. But, um, sometimes I have to like bring that to his attention. Yeah, I definitely think boys versus girls standards are different. I definitely expect more out of, I mean, Kara's giving me the eyes. I expect more out of Parker than I do Logan, but that's, I also 'cause they age. Yeah. What if Logan was the older kid? Do you think it would be different? Probably because as she gets older, I expect more out of her. Yeah. Like here's a very simple thing, but, her cats, we buy her the litter and all that stuff, but like, I expect her to carry the heavy box of litter up and down the stairs. Mm-hmm. And it's, I don't tell Parker to do it for her. It's like, no, like, get strong. You're 10 now. Let's do this. Yeah. And so like, she's like step by step and it's like, it's dramatic. Oh yeah. So dramatic. I'm sure she's exaggerating, right? It definitely, but like builds a little character. Yeah. On the the thing, the litter up and down the stairs, like mm-hmm. Stuck. Yeah. I'm so strong. But you hear it thumping, your honor. What's going off? Yeah. The reason I ask that is 'cause. Growing up, my stepdad treated me differently than he did my brother and sister who were his biological kids. Mm-hmm. Now, that's not to say he treated us great, but it was just different. Mm-hmm. And I feel like the way we have turned out in life is different. Uh, hundred 'cause of that. Yeah. I have a similar dynamic too. So were your standards higher? Were your expectations higher from him or were they lower? Uh, well my standards were higher both from him and my mom. My mom because she needed help. Yeah. Like looking at it back then is like, why am I the one who's always doing this? Mm-hmm. But it's, she needed help. Yeah. Like, it is what it is. It was also kind of on me, like, I'm kind of weird about like physical touch. Like, I don't like, like being touched unless you're. Extremely close to me. Like my mom and I don't even hug. I don't like, I think I hug my brother for the first time the other day in like 20 years probably. So as a young kid, my brother and sister are cuddling with the parents on the couch. I was like, I don't want that. Mm-hmm. It weird to me. So I don't know if that's just like how I was raised or just like different treatment. 'Cause AA was around when I was two years old, two or three. Mm-hmm. And so, I always remember him being around, but I think treatment was just different. Yeah. So do you think subconsciously you wanted them to just grab you and pull you in too? No. You didn't Because I remember like them trying to be like. Yeah, no, I don't. I don't want to because bra, I feel like that with Braxton, like Logan wants to snuggle. If I had a kangaroo pouch, I swear she would be inside of it. Yeah. And I'm like, and physical touch isn't really my thing either, so I really struggle. I have multiple kids that are like, they want me to touch them, they want to touch me all the time. And I'm like, as a parent, that's a really weird dynamic to be in because like obviously you love your kids and you like you wanna be close to them. But I'm like, yeah, just stop touching me. Stop touching me. But Braxton is the same way as me. He doesn't really want physical touch and he really does want to be by himself. So I feel guilty if I'm snuggling with Logan or if I'm tickling Parker's back because then Braxton's like off doing something and I'm like, subconsciously, does he want me to do those things? Even if he tells me he doesn't, knowing Braxton, probably not. I know, probably not. He probably feels the same way I felt and it's just like, ah, that's not for me. I don't know, just not a physical, even with family, just my family's not a big physical touch family. Yeah. And like even with the kids, they come and say goodnight and give us hugs and whatever every night. That's not something my family did. Yeah. Yeah. It was just goodnight. Yeah, same. I was a bedroom kid, so I was in my room a lot. And our kids are living room kids, I think. I mean, at least at my house, they're always in the living room or they're always in my room or they, they don't really hang out in their own rooms very much. But yeah, part was Teenage Parker. He recently, he has, yes. But, I grew up with a stepsister. She was kind of like Braxton and Logan. We were the same age. We were just a couple months apart. We were really close. I think mostly we were trauma bonded because of our childhood. It was like terrible. It was not good. There was abuse, there was drugs, there was alcohol. It was, you know, a lot of stuff. But, I always felt like I had higher expectations, because I lived there full time and she was only there like once a week, every other weekend. The typical normal schedule that people had, with co-parenting back then. So she never had chores, she never had expectations. She never had to like, I paid for my own cell phone. I bought my own stuff. Like I had a job job at 14 and she never did that. And so, and if you're listening, I love you. Um, but she struggled like she dropped outta high school. Um, and she really struggled for a lot of years. And she wasn't set up for success. And I felt like I was. And so we were, we grew up in the same house, but we had different expectations and we really did grow up differently. We became different types of adults. So yeah, I always think about that in the back of my mind too, of, you know, am I doing something inadvertently that I don't want to happen by parenting my kids differently or I don't know. I'm sure I'm not, but it always wins in the back of my mind. Yeah, it's also difficult with the vast personality differences between all the kids. Yeah. Everyone is so different. Yeah. All five. Parker and Logan are really emotional. They are. How do you deal with that? Oh God. Not, well, I'm just not an emotional person. I have like three emotions. Grumpy. Oh, I got, yeah. Uh, just, yeah. Grumpy and happy and just, alright. This is it. I'm serious. Yeah. I dunno. Grumpy, happy and serious. Yeah. I people think like, oh, he's weird, he's standoffish. He just doesn't talk to people. It's like, yeah, that's just who I am. Yeah. Which is fine. Like, uh, but it comes across as grumpy or angry all the time., No, I'm just, you'd know if I was angry. Yeah. Um, so dealing with emotional kids is difficult. Parker is very in tune with his emotions. Mm-hmm. I was not as a teenage boy. Mm-hmm. So there, there's opportunity there for Parker to. Be better than what the guys in my generation were raised as. Mm-hmm. Which is a good thing, but also at the same time, I want him to not let his emotions affect him so much. Yeah. And be in control of it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I think in society we have the expectation of boys and then men to be leaders and, leading with so much emotion can others can sway you. And so you don't end up kind of standing your ground in some ways because your emotions kind of swing you all over the place. It's just different times. I feel like there's not, like teenage boys now, all of them are like that. Mm-hmm. And I don't know if it's just like the social media and different aspects of communication versus in, in-person communication that we had. Mm-hmm. Just different time. Yeah, it is. So, and then I think their kids are gonna have a different dynamic of Oh, absolutely. Kids and too, yeah. So how do you feel like being a stepparent has changed you? Oh God. Uh, Well, first of all, uh, and I don't think you call yourself, we call each other that for the purposes of the podcast. Right. But we don't refer to ourselves as stepparents. No, we don't. Just for clarity's sake. Yeah. I think that's, we'll spin off here a little bit because I wanna talk about this. Okay. I don't think a parent should refer to themselves as a stepparent. I, if the kid wants to refer to you as their stepparent, that's fine. If you step into that kid's life, they didn't have a choice in that. Mm-hmm. It was their parents' choice. Mm-hmm. And so I kind of get a weird feeling when people call their kids stepkids. I agree. It's weird to me. Yeah. People say a lot by, not even what they're saying, but like how they say it and the terms that they use. And I agree a hundred percent. I think that it feels like less than, and that's one of the things that I would like to change, is for people to not feel that way. Yeah. Because I will never refer to Parker and Logan even as we're, when we're out as my step kids, not in front of them, not to anybody like, yeah, they're mine. Same. I have five kids. And even if I'm talking to somebody like. That Kara introduced me to. Yeah. I'm like, I have five kids. Even if two of them are biologically hers. Right. I still have five kids and that will never change. Can we tell a funny story? Yeah, let's do it. So, because there's four of us and we're all parents to these kids. So Parker highly competitive baseball. We travel a lot. I think I know what this doing. It's probably my favorite story. I love it. Are we at the Ozarks? Yeah, the Ozarks, Braxton Logan are the same age. Braxton is a giant with a child. Yeah. Probably three years ago, Braxton likes to fight. Love it. He's very aggressive. Uh, so some kid had pushed Logan down or kicked her on the bouncy side thing. Braxton beat the shit out of him. Yeah. That's an understatement. Yeah. Love it. Love it. Uh, yeah. So the kids come over, they're like, oh, Braxton beat this kid up. And I'm like, oh, whatever. Like mm-hmm. At the time the parents hadn't come over. Yeah. And this has happened before, so Yeah. Whatever. Just go play somewhere else. Just another day at the ballpark. Yeah. Well then dad shows up. Yeah. And I think we were both having a pretty bad day. Yeah. And the kid is with the dad and the kid is beating the shit. Bleeding from his nose and mouth Black and blue all over. Yeah. Don't touch the kid's sister. I tell you. Well, the dad is very angry and tries to confront us. And I can only imagine the level of confusion because I'm there. You're there. Care is there. And like two minutes Aaron jumps the fence from the baseball field and is there, and we're all yelling at, at this dude about how his son had kicked our daughter. Yeah. And he's probably confused as shit. Yes. Because it's not like we're not yelling my step kid. Yeah. Well no, it's my daughter. Our son beat the shit outta you. Yeah. He backed down very quickly. 'cause I think he was confused. Yeah. Well, you and I were also very aggressive. Yeah. We were gonna show him who Wind Duck County was. Yeah. I'm, I'm down dude. Like was Let's do it. His wife wanted no part of it. No, she's probably confused too. Like I imagine they still probably tell that story, like, what the fuck was going on? Yeah. Well and also to spin off of that type of subject, I failed to get Braxton's permission slip turned in and. You were like, well, I can go up there, and you signed his permission slip and you like, got that taken care of. 'cause it was the last day and Oh yeah. Like Braxton isn't your kid. We all parent together, like you said though. But you aren't his stepdad and you aren't his bio dad. And you have no real reason to ever need to do those things. But you do, you show up for everyone in this family every single day and you don't even question it. So, you know, give yourself a probable pause for that. But that's like something, whenever I'm rolling through the car pick up to pick up Logan, they ask me, am I taking Braxton too? And I'm like, no, not today. It's because some days I do like, yeah. It's just, I don't know. I, I speak of our family and it's our family. Yeah. There's nine of us. Mm-hmm. Call ahead for reservations. Yeah. Like I said before, we always have to pay the gratuity up front. Yep. 20% how do you feel like being a sticker has changed for you? I think it's made me more patient. It's made me stop and pause and truly think about what I'm doing or saying to my kids whichever kid it is. And it's also made me more patient with, with Aaron and you both, because whatever we do, it affects our kids, our family. And I protect our family more than I think anybody will ever know. Um, so it, it just really makes me like really value. My family and I didn't grow up with family. I've always been chasing that. And so to have this now I'm like literally living my dream. But I think just the patience. I've always been told I'm a really patient person, but I've never felt patient. I always feel like I'm a, just like kinda sporadic and like aggressive. So, yeah, I don't know. I think being a stepparent made me a better bio parent because of all those reasons. Yeah. So I'll answer that 'cause I kind of avoided that question earlier, but I've thought about it now. Yeah. But it's kind of not gonna be an answer. Just because of my previous lines of work, I struggled with a lot of things, mental health issues, like sleep, uh, stuff like that. Mm-hmm. And that was playing a role in who I was and who I was as part of this family. Until I got that stuff sorted out, I couldn't really focus on now getting that stuff sorted out Yes. Makes me a better parent. But I can like fine tune things now and like be way better. 'cause before I would just ignore and take it as a like, criticism, as an attack instead of looking at like what's best for the kids. Mm-hmm. Whereas now I, I'm still working on it, but I can sit back and be like, oh, you're right. I need to fix that. Like, mm-hmm. So gaining patience, trying to, as I get older, yeah. I, that's natural. It comes with age. I, I'm a lot more patient now. Even like when the twins were babies. If I would've had twins when I had Braxton, oh God. I like the most patient out of all of this. I don't know how you do it. I don't know either. But you should, you don't even want to know what's going on up here. I can imagine. Yeah. And sometimes it expresses through anxiety because, um, I'm just, I don't know whether I'm stressed on time or if I'm just exhausted or there's 42 open tabs up in my brain that I know that I have to close, but nobody else is gonna do it for me. We are the same person. I know. I'm also hyper independent. Yep. So, yeah, that's, it's a struggle when there's four parents because I don't have to do everything by myself. But sometimes in my fight or flight moments, I do feel like I have to do it all me. Yeah. That's not realistic. No, it's just, it goes back to how you were raised. Yeah. Because the same way, to me it's like, no, I'm just gonna do it 'cause it needs to get done. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Can I do it and it's gonna suck and it's gonna be hard. Or like, can I physically not do this? So whenever you're like, you mostly ask me for help, like what? How can I help you? And if, if I can physically do it, it's just gonna suck or it's gonna be hard, I'm gonna tell you I don't need any help. But it's not even like physical stuff. It'd be like, I know, Hey, gimme the broom so I can sweep. And I bring that up because an hour ago Karen and I were fighting over the broom and who was gonna sweep the living room and who did not let me, I slept and then she vacuumed. So we both won. Yeah. The big question is, is do you sweep first or vacuum first you sweep and then vacuum. No, you vacuum first and then. I vacuum first. Well, all those can be, right? Anyways, whatever. But like, um, you were, you were, one time you were asking me if I needed help, like taking the kids to all these places and logistically, no, I didn't need help. It was just gonna suck. I was gonna leave, like bounce from here or there, everywhere. Would it have been nice to have some help? Yes. But could I get it done also? Yes. So that's where I'm coming from. When I say like, oh, I don't need help. It's because I like, literally don't. Right. But at the same time, generally when I offer that, it's like, no, I'll do it. Like I don't have anything else going on. Yeah. I know. I were, do you want to help? Right. You can word it differently. Even if I worded it differently, you'd still say, no, I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Are you? Yes. Okay. I am. I'm trying to think of something along there In Phoenix, I tried to, oh, like we all cooked everything around each other in the kitchen. Mm-hmm. It was like funny because you and I were like swapping places on, he was cooking stuff on the stove. Yeah. We worked so seamlessly together just around each other. It was like, like we were the same person. I know. It was like, I knew where you were going and what you needed and you did the same with me and we were just like cooking food and what were Karen and Aaron doing? Damn thing. Yeah. I was eating snack and there was on the couch or. Playing video games with the kids. Yes. But that's all right. Yeah. I think you and I are the caretakers. Yeah. Yeah. Again, just how we were raised. Yeah. Do you like being in that role? Yeah. Does it Yeah. Burn you out sometimes? Yes, absolutely. You can, but and you're the same way. Even though we're burnt out, we don't want other people to step up and do it. We just want keep doing. It's like, no, this is my job. Yeah. Like I'd rather suffer for other people to not have to. Right. Even if it sucks. Yeah. I sometimes I feel like I just don't wanna do it anymore. I just want somebody to take care of me. But realistically, I know, I wouldn't be happy. Yeah. It's, I'll give you like with the dishes. So we got home from the gym today and I started doing the dishes and carrie's like, no, I'll do 'em. Like I'm doing, I'm up. Like I'm just, she's like, no, I'll do 'em fishy and I'll do 'em. And I was like, okay. So I sat down and I started working on stuff and she did the dishes and it gave me so much anxiety. Not because she is doing 'em wrong or whatever, I feel like compelled, yeah. To do that. You just wanted to do it. Yeah. I don't know. What if you just said, I know that you can do the dishes, I just really would like to do the dishes later. Do you think she would receive that? No. 'cause I said that in a way and she still told me she was gonna do em. I think she just wants to pull her own weight. Yeah. I'm appreciative. It is just, it's a fault of mine. Yeah. Anxiety. Yeah. How do you deal with the chaos of five kids? Mm-hmm. And six kids. I'm just kidding. I love you, honey. Um, I don't know. I mean, sometimes I don't deal with it very well. I will admit that I sometimes just get outwardly frustrated because I, I'm like, okay, if I show that I'm frustrated, then maybe somebody will help me instead of asking for help. Will you take the help though? I don't know. I want, I want to say yes, that I would take the help, but realistically maybe, probably not. Because I can see when you're frustrated. Yeah. I think the world can see when I'm frustrated, I don't like that trait about me. I mean, that's not a bad trait. I, I just wish that I didn't have it though. Yeah. But Well, chaos is chaos. Yeah. You can get frustrated with it. It is what it is. And it's not like anybody's doing anything bad. It's just chaotic. Yeah. So I have the, the twins, you know, they're singing Christmas songs and Braxton's doing some weird beatboxing thing. Logan is trying to tell me her 47th story of the hour, and then Parker comes in and he, you know, he's doing something crazy and then somebody sneezes and then I just lose my mind. And everyone's like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, I don't know. Overstimulation, overstimulated. Yeah, for sure. So I, I'm working on trying to deal with it better, but at the moment I deal with it by just doing more things. I just kind of keep myself busy with like other things. So not dealing with it. Avoidance. Yeah. How do you deal with the chaotic? Well, we don't have five. So you don't have five, but you have, I mean, three dogs and two cats and a wife and two kids keep getting more animals for some reason. Uh, not very well. I mean, I like things neat and orderly and I don't mean this in a bad way, like this is just how it is because of numbers. Our house tends to be calmer mm-hmm. Than yours. Yeah. That's just because we don't have five, well, four little humans in a giant 15-year-old human running around. Yeah. So it's not as bad. But even when even when it's all nine of us, like I don't necessarily mind the chaos just 'cause. It's my family. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Getting better at of going at the chaos. Mm-hmm. Trying to, yeah. Unfortunately the kids are growing up every single day. Yeah. And they're gonna be gone one day. Yeah. Not in this economy. I just move in the basement. Yeah. Oh, I gotta get my basement done. Shout out. Uh, so what did you think? So people find this weird that we obviously all traveled together. Mm-hmm. We go on vacation together. Mm-hmm. Like, we all went on a cruise for your birthday. Mm-hmm. What's your reaction when people are like, that's weird. I don't, at this point, I'm just like. Why do you think it's weird? I don't know. So, like I said earlier, I feel like we do things as like, you know how you have your like couple friends Yeah. And you, you kind of hang out and you go on trips with them and like, yeah. Um, I, I don't even think it's like compartmentalizing it. I just think that it's like so normal at this point that it's just like, it is what it is. Now, one thing that I've gotten people that are like really stressed out for me about is when Karen and Erin went to Florida together mm-hmm. And they stayed together. Oh yeah. That freaked people out. It freaked them out. They couldn't deal with it. It's just like another day my mom even was like, uh, are you okay with that? I'm like, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? And like, and you stayed behind because Logan had cheer. Braxton had football. I had the twins. And you could have gone to Florida with Kara. Yeah. But you decided to stay in Kansas City to help me. Yeah. And that's, I thought was just really awesome. Yeah. I mean, once again, just part of our family. There's no reason that Karen and Aaron can't go support Parker. And yeah, we can support our kids back here, but I would, I'd feel worse if Aaron hadn't gone and it was just Karen and Parker. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't know. Yeah. It's a trust thing. It's also like a hundred percent when people question me about it, it, I turn it back on 'em. Like, it's weird that you guys have issues 'cause mm-hmm. What's the number one goal here? The kids, right? Yeah. So if there's drama and parent bickering between stepparents and whatever, it doesn't do anything good for the kid. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And those situations, I always wonder if there's feelings involved, which I think if has to be probably 'cause that, that'd be the only reason you'd get like, jealous. Jealous, yeah. Yeah. It because you wish you were in that situation or whatever, so, right. Yeah. I, I think it comes down to that personally. And if you think otherwise out there, then let me know. But Yeah. And that, I mean, this is something I've told people, and I've even told Kara, like when I came into her life, I think I told her, I was like, if there's any drama between you and your ex, like I'm not, that's a red flag. Yeah. I'm not gonna play that game. Yeah. Because like, I don't want to be dragged into this. I don. Want drama in my life. I have enough chaos with work. I don't need that. And luckily they were at a point where they were doing good. Mm-hmm. And I think it was right around the time that you and Kara became close again. Mm-hmm. Or getting close. She's yelling at the dogs. She's yelling at dogs. Everyone. She's not yelling at us. No. Uh, so I think you were definitely instrumental in helping that, their relationship. Mm-hmm. And I just, I don't know. I didn't want any part of the trauma, so. Yeah. Well, and uh, I think when you came into the picture, there was somebody in the picture before you that was not supportive of, and we've talked about it before. Yeah. But he was not supportive of our co-parenting relationship. And I feel like he was like, actively working against it in those early days. And so it never went anywhere. Because I think, not because of him, but he was a part of that. And so I was nervous for somebody else to come in and continue on with that thought process. Because I think it is so common for people to come into a relationship with baby mama drama or baby daddy drama or whatever, and feed into it. I definitely think it's the norm when people like go with it because that's how it's supposed to be. Mm-hmm. No, it's not. In the end, what good does that do for the kids? Yeah. Like nothing. Yeah. Like it's putting your ego aside, right. So that you know. Yeah. For you have to really look internally why are you feeling like this? And it's probably an insecurity reason to be honest. And people don't like to face their insecurities. No, but we don't To today. Yeah. Do you ever feel insecure? And your role as like a stepparent or as like, like as Kara's husband or, yeah. As Kara's husband? No. With Aaron being there. No, not at all. Did you ever No, I, I, the way I approached things and the way I approached this relationship and, you know, you three mm-hmm. I think I, because me telling Aaron and me wanting to meet him before the kids, and I can't speak for Aaron. Mm-hmm. But I think that came with like a level of respect. Like, look man, I love this woman. I plan to be around for a while. Mm-hmm. I'm showing you respect. I'm not just some weird dude who's gonna show up and eyeball you from across the parking lot. A kid swap or something. Yeah. So Aaron has never given me a reason to feel jealous or insecure. Yeah, he's been very supportive of Karen and i's relationship, so. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I will say that he was skeptical in the beginning because of course he was like, I don't really understand what your intentions are. I don't really know you at all. Um, but he did respect that and he, he did appreciate you reaching out, and wanting to meet him. But you and I went to high school together. Mm-hmm. And dare I say, we were like friends ish. Yeah. So I, I also kind of vouched for you a little bit. Like, I know Kim, like, he is a good guy because we're the same person, because we are the same person, but, well, fun fact, I don't know my dad. Yeah. We could be brother and sister. Could be brother and sister possible. Probably not. I know who he's, he's not it. Not, not, no. Well, I mean, we did get a question from your point of view. You and Aaron's, they asked it, so it was Abby Rex, and she said, how is the relationship between Nick and Aaron? Are they best friends, and how do they feel about Kara and i's closeness? So from your perspective, how would you describe your relationship with Aaron? I mean, we're definitely friends. Uh, we're not like best friends. Yeah. 'cause I was Aaron, I consider you my friend. But that's like a me thing. I don't have like best guy friends. Mm-hmm. Like Tara is my best friend. Yeah. I don't, and it's just a fault of mine. I don't have friends. I just, I isolate. Mm-hmm. Because that's what I like to do. Yeah. Um, I think we have a good relationship. Yeah. Do you guys ever text like about random stuff? No. He does Snapchat. Me, but I don't snap, so. Hmm. So you're in his, his list then of who? He sends out Snapchats. He hasn't sent me one in a while. Oh no. So it's probably 'cause I don't reply 'cause I don't snap, I don't Snapchat. I never got into it one my thing. Yeah, he Snapchats a lot. Yeah, it's, I I think it just, I dodged that one. So speaking of not Aaron's, Snapchats, it just, I have nine new Snapchats from him while I was recording this nine. I don't think I've gotten nine Snapchats in the last year from anybody. So Pizza Hut and Aaron. That's who's been Snapchatting me in the last 39 minutes. Is that a, is that 'cause you're having Pizza Hut delivered to your house? No. Oh, I get, I get ads all the time. Yeah. But what was the second half of that question? Um, do you guys feel weird or any kind of feelings about Karen i's closeness? No. No. People think it's weird. I don't. It's just women tend to be closer than men in relationships with each other. That's true. We're around each other enough and you guys communicate enough? Mm-hmm. No. It's not weird at all to me. Yeah. You would think it's weird as shit. Yeah. I, it's like, no, it's the kids' moms and like, why would it be weird? Right. If they like each other that like hang out with each other. Mm-hmm. You and I are the same person, so obviously she's gonna like you. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. Obviously she was gonna like you if I was here first. Yeah. But she didn't like you at first. She liked me first. That's true. I started off strong. That is true. I was pretty skeptical about you though too. I mean, we have stories about the beginning of y'all's relationship, uh, how I was persistent and she was crazy. No, I mean, yes. But she told me I hated you. I was like, maybe the military changed him. Maybe he has a piece of shit now. And then I remember she was like, so I have to tell you the truth. And I'm like, what? And she was like, I mean, what's the problem? And I'm like, camera, you lied to me. I, she was just going through stuff. I mean, and it's not like I was exactly at a good time in life. I mean, yeah. I was across the planet, so I remember there was something about a handgun. Oh, let's tell that story. So care swears up and down. She's not this, we preface this. She's not this crazy towards me anymore. Yeah. Not anymore. So she's hanging her head. Yeah. I can edit it out if it's really bad. Meanwhile, Aaron's wanting to do donuts in the parking lot. Yeah. He, Aaron is taking the boys to go do donuts. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? I dunno. That's a good time. Uh, so this was when, so I had gotten back from deployment. Karen and I had started seeing each other. She was still dealing with some stuff. I was, just back, so probably not the best time in life. Um, one of our dates that we went on all the time was shooting. We'd go shooting all the time, spent so much money at the gun range. I had loaned her, I had given her one of my guns 'cause she had really liked shooting it versus what she had. Well, things didn't work out exactly. Mm-hmm. For Kara and I the first time. Right. Yeah. And I was kind of naive at that point, but I was like, well, I bought this gun. My name's the last name tied to it. I should probably get that back if we're not gonna be together. That's not how I worded it. But that was my thought process. I wanted that thing back. Um, Kara said no, and her reasoning was, and I hadn't met the kids at this point. Mm-hmm. Her reasoning was, my kids are here at the house. I was like, well just leave it in the mailbox. And she's like, I'm gonna strip it down and throw it in my yard. And I was like, this isn't night. We had just broken up angrily. Mm-hmm. You want me to go looking for a gun at night with a flashlight in your yard? I was like, she's gonna shoot me. That's what this is. I'm gonna get shot. I was so convinced in my mind, I was like, I'm gonna get shot. And what, and this was a bluff, but I was like, we'll, see. I was like, all right, that's fine. I'm gonna bring a cop with me, we gonna get shot. And she's like, I'll just give it to my mom. I was like, you were gonna shoot me. So Erin knew about this story. So whose version did you hear first? Kara? Yeah. She's gonna shoot me. Yeah. So Erin and I got a version of this story that didn't paint you in the best line. Yeah. And I'm not saying I'm innocent here. I was being an asshole, but Yeah. But So you were fighting an uphill battle, so to speak? Yeah. Whenever you guys got back together. Yeah. And then. You were like, all right, I wanna meet the kids and I wanna meet you first. And all that year later. Yeah, it was a, it was a bit later. Things have calmed down. Yeah. It wasn't like the, the following week or anything. There was some therapy sessions in between there. Yeah. You know, probably not. No, not at all. Shaking head no. Yeah. So, that was kind of like why Aaron was skeptical at first. It was like, I appreciate it. I, you know, like that initiative that you're taking and you want to meet me first, but that was in the back of his mind that I was gonna get shot and hurry off. Well, okay, so that wasn't the story that he heard. Mm. So no. But water under the bridge. Yeah. Nobody got shot. Nobody got shot. That's great. I didn't get shot, but I mean, uh, come on. Yeah. Search for these gun parts in my yard at night when we just ain't really broken up. You're gonna shoot. You survived. I did, and then I married her. So, on you, who's the red flag now? I love the crazy, you love red. That's your favorite color. Were there any ever any red flags of like, uh, past relationships or anything like that when you guys got together like her and Erin? Or was it never really a thing? No, I, it was pretty clear to me that, and that's not just her saying it, like mm-hmm. Oh no, we're done. Mm-hmm. No. Like you can see. Yeah. It's like they're not interested in each other at all. They're no more friends. Yeah. Just as you and I are the same person, her and Erin are the same person. Yes. So it is never once crossed my mind, ever. Yeah. It's just not the vibe I get, I guess. I dunno. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so when I first met Aaron, I, there were some like red flags that I was trying to assess myself that I was like, like you said, I don't wanna be a part of the drama. And I had a kid, I was like a single mom at the time, like, I just didn't want to be in the drums. Um, and then, and we've worked through those things, but, um, like I remember at one point he had Kara's name. No, this is a lot to do with your name. Your name. And his phone was Baby Mama. Oh. And I, and I've seen that. And I was, yeah. And I was like. Uh hmm. I don't love that. And it's because it feels like you have some kind of possession over her still, or, you know, it just gives me the ick. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. It, it was weird. And so he was like, he my baby mama. I'm like, yeah, that's weird. I don't love that. And so he changed it. But then like the first night he stayed over at my house, he, he came from work, like he was on call and so, and he was like, I, you know, I might have to leave or whatever, but I'll stay alone as I can or whatever. And I was like, to me that felt like a green flag. I was like, okay, if, 'cause if a man wants to, he will, right? And he was showing me, and I came from a relationship where I was not prioritized before that. So then here he is like giving me green flags. And then of course we're like, we're laying in bed. Obviously his shirt is not on, and he has this bandaid. And I'm like, oh, what, what happened? I thought maybe he got hurt where he was like. He didn't say anything. And, and I was like, Hmm, what happened? Are you okay? And he was like, it's a tattoo. And I was like, okay. Of what? And so he takes it off and he's like, it's my ex-wife's name. I'm like, oh, I can't do nothing about that. But um, and I was like, I know that you were married and I am not holding that against you. Yeah. In any way. But, uh, it was just funny like we had to talk about it, but Well, Karen still has a tattoo. Yeah. Not that it bothers me. This is like the fourth time in my entire life I've ever thought about it. And the other three is when she's pointed it out. Yeah, because Are you talking about the wrist? Yeah, the wrist one. But. It. I dunno. I guess it's different than a name, but even then, like mm-hmm. It's so clear that their relationship is not that. Yeah. That just doesn't bother me. Yeah. I think a lot of people make up their own stories in their mind about certain things, like a tattoo or whatever, and it's not actually reality, right? They're like creating this chaos that they need to survive. But if you could just take that away, which is so weird because with the anxiety that we have mm-hmm. You'd think like we'd be running rampant with that. But yeah, it would eat us a water or something, but I don't that's all credit to Karen and Erin. Mm-hmm. It's very clearly not that type of relationship anymore. Yeah, very true. So, yeah. What else you got? Well, we do have one more question, but it was, I mean, we can answer questions together. That's fine. Send it. Uh, so the question is an anonymous question from my inbox. So it says, not all co-parenting situations are easy and some go far beyond just being difficult. Mine involves emotional abuse, alcohol abuse, threats, and behavior that negatively affects the kids much of the conflict stems from my co-parent, significant other at the time. That person is no longer involved. So things have improved some, but there are still wounds for both myself and the kids that take time to heal. I'd love to hear how you would navigate custody and co-parenting. If your situation were the complete opposite of what you currently experience, how would you personally try to move forward, rebuild stability with your co-parent? Yeah. And I think we could both talk to that too. Not necessarily that we haven't dealt with it in our adult lives, but yeah, mine's definitely gonna be like a, you know what, hypothetical, what would I do? Mm-hmm. Which is easy from the outside. It is, but the number one thing is the kids. Mm-hmm. So if the situation is that bad, you should probably, and I'm, you know, I, I'm a proponent of if the situation is bad for the kids, then it needs to be pursued in the courts mm-hmm. Until things are stable. Yep. So if the swing is that wild from one house to another, what's best for the kids? Should they, should you have full custody of them for a while? Mm-hmm. You know, so they don't have to go through that. Mm-hmm. Have you had a conversation with the parent about being like, Hey, this. Is not okay. This is what needs to improve for the kids. Mm-hmm. What needs to improve for you because kids are watching how your ex treats you as well. Mm-hmm. Like they see everything they do, whether it's realized or not. Yeah. Yeah. They, they pick up on verbal and non-verbal. Yeah. From your parents for sure. And, and I've dealt with this too, like Braxton's biological dad was, he struggled with substance abuse and he's clean and sober now. And him and I had many very difficult conversations about how it's just not best for Braxton to be in an environment like that. And, there was one time where he swore up and down he was clean and sober, and I. Wanted to believe that, and I really wanted to help facilitate that relationship. And so I, I let Braxton go there for the weekend and come to find out he wasn't. And um, and he was almost taunting me with that. He was, he called me and was like, I'm, you know, basically out of my mind and I'm driving in the car with Braxton and and I was six hours away, so I felt like my hands were tied. So let's try, let's go. Yeah. So I, I did, I drove the six hours and I went and got him and there was no issue there or anything. But, that Monday I went to the court and I filed for immediate, change of custody. I had full custody, but I revoked those parenting rights temporarily. Yeah. And then ultimately after years, a couple of years of communication, he agreed to sign over. Adoption papers to let Aaron adopt him because, and I'm not saying that that needs to happen with everybody, this is just my situation, but I mean I've definitely dealt with it. Um, because he realized that his environment that he would be providing for Braxton was not best for him. And I really to this day appreciate him being able to say that and follow through with that. That's a very mature for someone so deep into addiction. That's surprisingly Amature reaction you've done. Yeah, because I've dealt with that ex my whole life and that is not the case whatsoever. That's like a one in a million. So I agree. And um, so I think, and we talked about it last episode, having something in black and white to fall back on is always going to be, if there's a safety concern, you've gotta have that. And even if it feels like you're being manipulative or whatever, people say whatever. If there is a safety concern, then I think that the courts need to be involved a hundred percent. What is gonna be best for the kid, not what is best for the parents, not what's gonna make the parents feel good, what is best for the child. Yeah. Whatever that means. So yeah, again, circling back, it's, everything needs to be done for the betterment of the kids. Mm-hmm. That's the only reason we're here. Yeah. So if the situation's resolved and there's no more threat, then, going to the next part of the question, how do you move forward? Like you've gotta build that trust and it's gotta be slow. Yeah. Because there's no other way over communication is going to naturally build trust. And I think if you get to the point where you are looking at a partner, that person that you bring in. To your kid's life and your ex's life. They need to understand that. They need to understand that there's gonna be communication. Mm-hmm. That has to happen. It needs to be a good relationship. Mm-hmm. It's okay if the other parent calls you at 10 o'clock at night with a problem about the kids. Yeah. Like you should be encouraging. Mm-hmm. That like Yep. Karen Aaron texts all the time about the kids. Mm-hmm. Could they should. Yeah. They should. Sometimes you and I communicate about stuff. Yeah. And they aren't involved in it at all. That's 'cause we plan. Yeah. We planners. But yeah. Communication people, we've got to do, there's no way around it. Yeah. And that's coming from someone who sucks at it. So. But you see the value I do. It's much more enjoyable. Yeah. I'm glad that you're in our group chat. Okay, thanks. I won't leave it this time. Well, it's been great talking with you. Thank you. I'm glad you were able to join me. Me too. I was gonna play video games. All right. Bye bye. Blended AF is an independent podcast hosted by Brianna and Kara, and produced by Brianna. We are not family counselors or licensed professionals. We're just real people sharing our real experiences, the wins, the mistakes, and everything in between. Nothing shared here is meant to replace professional advice. It's simply our story told honestly. Thanks for being here, and we'll catch you in the next episode. Bye bye.