Blended AF - Episode 3 - From Tension To Teamwork

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Transcript

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Welcome to blended af, the podcast where real co-parenting meets real life. Hosted by Kara and Brianna, were having honest conversations about blended families growth and navigating it all together. Well, we left off last episode last week talking about, hinting about the, uh, infamous text messages. So we will get there, I promise. But before that, there was a few things that happened in our timeline that really were impactful. So we're gonna start there. Oh, goody. Uh, well, Aaron went to Vegas and he went for a bachelor party with his frame hands, and that was. A debacle. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep. Okay, so I'll start off this story. It was on his parenting time with Parker and Logan, and he decided that, 'cause we were together for about a year at this point, I had already moved in and he decided that he was going to leave Parker and Logan with me while he was out, out out of town. And you guys had agreed on a different dynamic. Yeah. And our divorce decree, it stated that in the event that he was unable or was absent or could not have them, that I, what do they call it? Right of first refusal, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't even know he was going out of town. He didn't communicate that with me and I can't even remember how I found out exactly. I don't remember either. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Mothers intuition. Maybe it was something posted on social media. Possibly Somebody shared something. I think I was, the circles are so tight. Yeah. You guys were together so long. You have mutual friends and you still have mutual friends. So I think that's probably how it happened. Yeah. So too, but anyways, you found out. Yeah. And you reached out to, did you reach out to Rick and Lisa? That and there had to been something along those lines that somehow I knew that they were kind of involved or they were with you or, well, I was at their house. So Rick and Lisa are Aaron's parents. Yeah. So grandparents took Parker, Logan, and all the kids. So you were very mad. Oh, you're mad. This is a topic that, well, I think at first I wasn't exactly mad, but then I think, um, maybe Rick and Lisa's response I didn't take very well at in that moment. So once again, emotional. Responding. Mm-hmm. Didn't go well. Yeah. So I felt like I was kind of in the middle. Like I didn't really know all the details. I knew what I knew, and I didn't know what I didn't know at the time. So for me, I was just like, I'm only doing what I was asked to by Aaron. You know? Right. I'm just doing that, and at this time, Aaron and I were still very much like at each other's necks when it came to any small little thing, and so we were always kind of giving each other a hard time. So things were not functional in any way, shape, or form when it comes to co-parenting at, at this point. Let me just put that out there. Yeah. So when I knew that he wasn't around and wasn't with them, I felt like I kind of like, why did I not get that opportunity? Why? You know, so, and again, you and I were by no means on any type of mm-hmm. Communication. Yeah. I'm not even sure we had each other's phone at this point. Mm-hmm. Nope. But somehow you had gotten hold of. Of either Rick, Lisa or me or something. And either way, the details don't really matter that it was drama. It was a little bit of drama. And, um, I think you and Rick and Lisa kind of got into it a little bit and were kind of playing tug of war, maybe just a little bit, just a tiny bit. And I was like, okay, I stop, stab it. I am going to do the right thing here. I'm a mother, this mom wants her kids. I'm gonna take her, her kids. So finally, after a bit of tug of war, I said, okay, listen, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna take the kids to Kara. I'm going to, I'm gonna take 'em to her. I get there with the kids and I jump out of the car and I'm just like, white flag. Literally you were like still in halfway in the truck and you had your hand out. It was so aggressive. I was like. At that point, I was like, oh, I'm ready for a fight. I'm ready for an argument because I didn't know what you were coming with me. And then, but then I see you do that. I'm like, how do I even like try to hate this woman? I guess she was it very hard because I was trying not to laugh in this very serious, dramatic moment. You can't hate me. I'm a nice lady. I sure did try. You did. I think that's really though, that was always my mentality of like, I'm a really nice person and I have really good intentions and I love your kids. You can't hate me. You are gonna try, but it's fine. You won't hate me forever. Oh, I was definitely the problem. I know I was. I will sit here and say that loud and proud. Not in a problem way. Okay. Proud is not the right word, but I was the problem sometimes, but we're gonna go into it when I was a problem, so it, you know, we've taken turns, it's fine. But yeah, literally waving my hand back and forth. Fight flag. Like I don't want problems. I don't want fight. I'm just trying to do the right thing. I didn't know I was doing the wrong thing in the first place, you know? It was. And I think that's kind of the thing is that it, it wasn't even that my frustration was more towards you, even though it definitely probably came off that way. My frustration was absolutely towards Aaron, of course, at the time. 'Cause once again, failure to communicate or let me know anything. And so I was just like, err. Well, I think, uh, and I don't wanna speak for him. Yeah. But he probably was doing it on purpose. I mean, he probably Oh yeah. Was, yeah. He left that out because he knew exactly what you would say. Yeah. So, you know, whatever, whether it was right or wrong, it, it happened. That's what I mean, we were, we were always going tipper tat at that time. Yes. Yeah. Parenting time was a hot button topic, especially at that time. Like now we work with each other so well, parenting timelines kind of get blurred a little bit, but back then it was very strict. Yeah. We, I don't even know what anything says on our decree anymore, nor do I ever look at it. Like we, it's kind of crazy looking back at that to now, like you said. It's polar opposite whether you guys have something going on one weekend or we do, like, we'll flip flop and mm-hmm. It's no question whatsoever. It's very flexible. And so just so you know, you can go from one to one, extreme to another. It really does happen. I do think it's good to have that in place, though. Have that concrete document that you really can go, but it's black and white. You can go back to it and if you can't get along, at least you have that to go by. Agreed. So I definitely advocate for that in any situation. Right. So I think it's good. But yeah, so we got through that and I think that was like, okay, now we're back on a good track. We're kind of starting to get into a groove of what this could be. You're getting to know that I'm maybe not such a terrible person at this point. Things are fine. We're talking at baseball games. Yeah. Getting along. Yep. It's like fine. It's, you know, kosher. Communicating when we have to. And it's not terrible. I don't dread it anymore right at this point, so, cool, cool, cool. We're on a good track. Hmm. And then I also wanna paint the picture that I was 24 at this point. Okay. So 24 years old, Brianna didn't make the best decisions. I we're gonna go into the text messages. So here, here it is, guys. This is the thing that you've been waiting for for a week, maybe longer. Deep breath. I think we were texting about something else at one point. I, I'm terrible at texting and I've done this multiple times, but we were texting, we obviously, we were having a conversation at some point recently and. Your text messages was like the ones that popped up when I first went to my messages didn't even think about it. Uh, and I was, I was talking shit, we're just gonna say it like it was, I was talking shit on you to somebody within our circle. And uh, I accidentally sent that text to you instead up to her. I remember because I was sitting on the toilet go pee. And I was like, I think I sort, excuse me. Yeah. Excuse me. I'm like, what? And then I went back and read out. I'm like, oh, you totally tried to cover it. You tried, tried to say it wasn't, I was like, nah, nah. I know exactly what it was. Yeah. But then I replied with, I was talking shit. You're right. I owned up to it. I'm sorry. And then what about the other one? Oh, the other one was. There was some time in between the two. There was, there was, there was some time in between. And I did it again. I did it again. This time it was towards, to Aaron it to Aaron. I was, was supposed to be texting Aaron and it was song lyrics. Ah-huh. And, and it wasn't very nice. Mm-hmm. So it's her. Nope. Yes. So I've done that twice now, surprisingly, I did not react in like a very aggressive way on either one of those. I don't feel like No, but we, I just gave you the silent treatment. Yeah. For like a week. So that's what Kara does when she's mad at somebody. You know it because she just won't talk. She acts like, you don't even exist in this planet. You can be sitting right next to her. And she's like, she just looks through you completely. You don't even exist. Irrelevant. And that's really hard because I just sit there and like, oh God. Back to the beginning. This is my fault. And this was literally another white flag moment. She quite literally came over to me in the bleachers. Damn baseball man brings this together. We have so much time, so much like you, like you said there, one of our episodes, there's so much downtime that you have no choice. So communication must happen. Yeah, you came over to me and you're like, white flag, white flag. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry. I need you to talk to me. I was like, God, I'm trying to hate you. I'm trying to not talk to you putty. I know, but I'm sorry. So just love me. No, I would say the, um, the first one I was probably very annoyed, but then the second I was like, I was like, get to that point where we were kind of getting better. So I was like kind of hurt. I'm like. and then of course, you know, in our, in our situation, like you think in the back of your head, is this genuine? In this moment or these moments too, like the obvious questions come to your head like, is this actually genuine intent? Is this a genuine relationship or is this, she's just faking face like that. She really actually, lowkey hates me and we're not actually trying to establish something like obviously it was all kind of up in the air at that point anyway, and we really, probably neither one of us knew. Mm-hmm. But I, on my end, I would say leaning towards this point, I was like, okay, I really would like to potentially see where this leads, like, as far as like a relationship, friendship. And then when those hit you, you're like, maybe she's not as genuine as she seems to be, or that she portrays herself to be so. Mm-hmm. Uh, that was definitely a worry. And so I was guarded. That is who I am. I like, instantly put up a wall, I'm guarded and we're like, fuck you. Yeah. That it was a trust buster. Oh yeah. Yeah, exactly. So we just had to work our way back through those. Yeah. Um, but what was important is that we did, we took the time, like it's been hard mm-hmm. At times like those. Mm-hmm. But we figure it out. Yeah. And I think that's what makes our friendship not even just like the fact that it's co-parenting, but also our friendship that much stronger because we have worked through those times Yeah. Of like, Hey, you're not perfect. I'm not perfect either. But we see our intent behind the curtain. Yeah. And we know that it can be. Better. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I, and now I love you for your flaws. You piss me off sometimes, but that's all right. Brandi and I are our best friends. Oh, people don't know about her. Oh yeah. So Brandi is Brie's alter ego. Yeah. She's a Gemini. So let's put that and instead for what that is. Yeah. So she kind of has like this other, this other person that comes out on occasion. There's at least two of us in here. She's not the nicest no's kind of rude, very, very rude. Hurt your feelings. Yeah. But she calls me out on it, like when I'm being Brandy too. Legs put Brandy back in the box, put her away. And then I usually laugh and I'm like, can't eat right. Or I'm like, not wait. I usually need some food, don't you? Yes. You have to feed you. Yes, feed me. I have snacks. Oh yeah. That, that would usually do it. Or a no drink. I need one. Yep. Came through. I had you caffeine or food. I gotcha. Yeah. Okay. Well, so Aaron and I had a miscarriage early on, like probably right around in this timeframe. And that was not something that we had planned. That wasn't something that we were like hoping for. It honestly was like such an oopsie and we were in such, in a new relationship, there was like, Ooh, how is this gonna work? But we had a miscarriage and at this point, like you and I were close enough that I felt comfortable talking to you about it. And I remember I don't, you were like there for me. You had comforted me. You were like, you know, I've never dealt with this before, but you know, I can empathize as a woman, as a mother. Uh, but then you did say like, honestly, this felt kind of hard for me to hear. And I really reflected on your response to that and I respected that and I think I kind of backed off a little bit and I felt maybe like I overshared, which I can do in times, I can be an oversharer 'cause I'm just such an open book. Yeah. You know, vulnerability for me is not hard. So, that response that you gave me, it was like I respected it, I appreciated you being honest with me and I didn't fault you for it at all. But then shortly after that Parker's birthday, I don't remember which birthday, was it his ninth birthday? Maybe 10th birthday? Seventh or eighth? Oh, maybe. I don't know. Either way. Either way. Um, it was at a skating rink and I remember you and I were skating around and we were holding hands skating so clearly we were in a place where Yeah, we were doing that. And I said, Hey, I have a question. You wanna talk? You're like, yeah, Charlotte. And I said, do you want Aaron back? Do you want your family back? Am I in the way of something that I'm not aware of? And you gave it some thought and you were like, no, that isn't what I want. Maybe that was a thought like, you know, early, early on in your relationship, but no, like I can honestly say that isn't what I want. Do you remember that conversation at all? Yeah, uh, I do. I think it caught me off guard really. I just remember thinking, whoa, this is way outta left field. Like we're sitting here rolling around, holding hands and hey, you want your baby? It was just weird. But um, yeah, I think that it was important. I could tell in this that I think more so. I was just trying to figure out where you coming from, like. Um, a joking way or was it like a very, sincere question and I could tell it was more of like you needed that reassurance and so I was trying to formulate how provide that to you in a way in which it wasn't received wrong. And 'cause I get it, like in your, or I guess I don't get it being, but being in your position, like the vulnerability of not knowing where someone stands with their previous relationship and whether or not there are feelings because it is so common when it comes to divorces that Yeah. Like we touched on last week, is that typically feelings are still left there somewhere. Yeah. And I think at that point in time I was still processing it too, trying to figure out like. Because just to put it out there, like I will always love Aaron. Aaron is, you know, he was my best friend, like I said, for a very long time, and he's the father of my children. And I'm very appreciative of him, like I've said before. But like at that point, and when you're going through it, you're trying to figure out what it is that you still do hold, where are those feelings coming from? So it's a completely reasonable question. Yeah. And, uh, but no, like, like I answered to you and like reassured you, like absolutely not. There were good times and everything and I hold those, you know, memories and I appreciate them and I value them a lot. But he and I outside of our friendship, like the. The love that you need to hold a marriage together. It fell off like we grew. I truly feel like we grew in different directions and that just happens sometimes. Mm-hmm. Especially when you get together young, at a young age. Yes. We were very young, we were 19, 20 years old when we met. Mm-hmm. So common interests are no longer common interests or things that I was willing to allow, I was no longer willing to allow anymore. Mm-hmm. In both ways. Yeah. So, anyway, kind of getting off subject here, but Yeah. I wanted to reassure you and I could see where you were coming from that like you needed to hear those words. Mm-hmm. Like out loud. I needed to hear him from you. Yeah, exactly. 'cause you know, in a situation, men can tell you whatever they want to tell you. Right. And that's not to say that Aaron has been untruthful with me or anything like that, but still him and I were in a relationship. He was my boyfriend. Of course. He's gonna tell me one side of the story. Right. His side of the. And that doesn't mean it's untrue, but that's just his version. And you and I at this point being, I would consider as friends at this point, it's like friend to friend. Like, am I in the way of something? Right. I really truly want to know, right? Because if I am, then I wanna figure it out now. And it also goes back to the genuine intent behind what we're doing here. Mm-hmm. Like is this real or is this like you're just trying to get closer to me to mm-hmm. Make your way in I get it. Yeah. Like you hear those stories, you see that stuff all the time. It happens all the time. Yeah. So it made sense why you were just, you needed to know. Yeah. And I think if you have all these questions that go unanswered, it's just human nature to fill in the blanks in your own mind. And that can be a pretty scary place because you can go in so many ways like that. Oh yeah. You can, you can tell yourself so many different lies that now you've created this whole version of life and it's not even true. I have always approached it in the sense of like, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna ask the question. I'm gonna throw it out there. It's the worst that could happen. She could trick me with her skate. I don't know. The worst that can happen is I find out the truth and then I can make decisions based off of it. Right. And I think that's just what everybody wants at the end of the day. But the truth sometimes is hard or it's scary, you know? 'cause you never know what the hell's gonna come outta your mouth. You don't know. Yeah. Especially ours. Yeah. You'd be like, yeah, I was with him last week. Like, oh, you, I don't know. Right. Crazy shit. Absolutely not. No. But you know, no. So, um, this was really the part that things started to be more good than bad, in my opinion for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had little things here and there, but. Really, our fights have been mostly just like friend fights. Yeah. Not really. Okay. You're getting on my nerves. Yeah. Or like jealousy shit, or like Yeah, like with like just friend stuff. Literally completely unrelevant to family. But, so yeah, I think at this point in our relationship, the hard, hard things were done. So most of the drums, so would you say like what, like a year and a half, two years. Took us a year and a half. Year and a half, yeah. Yeah. Which I think is a realistic timeframe. Yeah. Like too soon. And it feels fake. Absolutely. Too long. And it feels dramatic, you know? I mean, whatever that timeframe is for you, it was different, but for us it was about a year and a half. And we have good times in between those two. It kind of fell back a little bit here and there. Mm-hmm. I will say this part, I'll say that the reason why we're bringing up all these different scenarios, which I know they sound like shut us or put us in a bad light at those times, but we're just, I think providing that transparency to show everyone else put our information out there, put our stories out there that you can go through these times and still find a way, like it really does take going through hardship to come out on top. And point being is that if we can get through all this shit and be where we're at, like anybody can truly, anybody can. Yeah. And if anybody knows how petty Karen and Erin are. Oh my gosh. Like they are not the bigger person. No. In a lot of situations. So if they can do it, anybody, I promise anybody can. I promise I'm only five, three. You can't possibly be doing the bigger person. Never. No. But yeah. To go super cheesy on it, diamonds aren't made without extreme pressure. Yeah, right. Like a vitamin so bright okay. All right. Q and a. Yeah. Here we go. Q and a. This is gonna be so fun. I'm actually really excited about this. I am too. These are some good ones. Yeah. So, okay, let's go with the first one that came through and these all came through our Facebook group. So if you're not in our Facebook group, what are you even doing with your life? Yeah, we're missing a house. I'm missing out. So. All right, the first one and you can, ask anonymously. So that's an option. If you are like, Ooh, I don't want see even people to know that I'd asked this question, then you don't need to have anybody know. So how would they ever know then? I dunno. Yeah. So anonymized member 2, 5 3, they asked, are you ever jealous of one another? And do you compare yourself to her and your relationship? That's such a good question. So great. That was like the first question I was like, well, yeah, juicy. Yeah. So I'll start because in the beginning, oh my gosh, yeah, I was super jealous. Like I had a completely different body type and we've always joked, like Aaron has a type and we've said that before, but to be honest, like as much as we're alike, we are a very different as well. I was always, you know, insecure about. Well I have a different body type. Is that his preference or what? I don't know. Just those insecurities pop through and I'm like, uh, I just felt very insecure. So I wouldn't say it was like jealousy, but it was more like insecurity I guess. Comparing for sure. But comparing myself to her and the relationship, uh, probably not because they were both very different people together. And so like the Erin that I'm with now is not the Erin that Kara was with, like not really. And the same vice versa. Like the Kara that Kara is now is not the same person that she was with Aaron. So it, it almost isn't even like the same people. No, it's really not. Um, as for me, yeah, pretty much the exact same, I would say in the beginning. I absolutely was. So this six years younger woman walks in and she's got legs per days. Anybody then knows I do not, I have short stuy legs, like a stuy, and, and then she walks in, she's got no makeup on and so she has this natural glow going on. And, and I, I, I, again, I'm just one of those ones where I feel like I just look better with makeup on. And so of course you're like, what us women do, we tend to just compare ourselves physically to another. It's a bad habit, but we all do it. We're all guilty of it. And so, yeah, exactly the same feelings. I think it was an insecurity thing. I was like, dang. Not that you care what your ex's type was, but still you're like, was I ever his type? You know, like, was that another reason why we failed? I don't know, typical women shit that we think or goes through. Mm-hmm. But then, um, fast forward to now, I would say absolutely not, definitely not like in competition with each other, uh, by any means. Mm-hmm. And I know that's probably hard for people to like, truly believe, but now we just, I don't know. We're, we're at a point now where we lift each other up and whenever one of us, like who is, again, we're women and we're always like our hardest on ourselves, so we really do take turns. We're like, we're feeling some type of way and we'll vent to each other and we're constantly picking each other up, and reminding each other of how badass we are and mm-hmm and again, that comes with the friendship that has been established, um, versus like what it was before. But no, I would say there's, I don't feel as if there's any jealousy. Even at this point now, like when it comes to our careers and our lives, like I've been doing personal training for a few years. I actually encouraged her, encouraged Brie to get on track with it. And that's another time where people have honestly asked me like, how's that make you feel? Because they automatically assume it's gonna be like negative thoughts, but it's not why would I hold, like hold something hot, like I'm not the first person to train. Yeah. I don't know. It's just one of those things where, no, there's not jealousy in that way. Now we're even gonna compete in a bodybuilding competition together. I know. In the same class. Excited. Oh my god, I'm so excited. I'm so nervous. Same coach, same. She's probably not listening. I know. Shout out. But I will say we are the type of people who are gonna lift other women up no matter what. Yeah. It's just a character trait. I don't think it really has anything to do with like our co-parenting relationship. Yeah. No, not at all. It would be the same. Like we fix each other's crowns. Yeah. We're girls. Girls. Yep. So, all right, next question. This is from Mary Nik. So how do you handle school events when it's parents specified? So example, the daddy daughter dance. I know my daughter sees her dad and stepdad as her dad, so it's difficult for her because she would love to be able to take both of them. She never wants to hurt either of their feelings, but I know for us, that's not an option. So diving into that, uh, and another thing, we do things differently. We obviously do everything together, and if we can, we will. So I know from firsthand experience, most schools do understand those dynamics. If you do ask, they almost always allow two tickets. Tickets. So if that is an issue, it. Then just reach out to the school or whatever organization. And usually if you explain it, they will make exceptions and they will make it work for you. But if the issue is that both of the parties wouldn't really agree to do that together, then I would personally challenge them to try it once and kind of just see how it goes. You can parallel do that, you know, you don't have to go to dinner together necessarily. You don't have to do every single thing together. But if you both show up for that child that I, I bet the kid would have so much fun with both of you. But if that's just not possible, which I do truly understand that, and people are in different phases of their co-parenting relationship, maybe you'll never get there. That's okay. But I truly do feel like it's the step parent's position to really talk to that kid and encourage them that they should bring their bio parent and that they will have their own special time outside of that event. Whether it's they go do an event together or they go to dinner or they go to see a movie or whatever they like to do together. I would say that stepparent needs to encourage their, their step kid that they will have that special time together outside of that event so they don't feel like maybe left out is how I approach it. Do you have any thoughts on that? I mean, I think you hit the No. With the hammer. Sure. No, I, I would say we've definitely come into, in the beginning I'd say we, by default, we would let you know who, whoever, whichever would be the bio parent. But now at this point, it really is more fun. I know it sounds maybe a little cheesy, but think of it in, in the way, or maybe even explain it like you go to those events and most of the time their parents kind of like, especially if they don't know others very well, they're kind of sitting there by themselves when their child goes and plays with her friends. Yeah. And now they have somebody to talk to. Yeah. Look at the benefits, like break it down. Yeah. It's just like the sporting events. There's so much downtime. Yeah. That's how you can get to know each other. You can only do so much scrolling. Do scrolling on your phone before you get a little bored. Yeah. Put it away. Put the phone down. So, next question. From anonymous members, 600, how do you each as well as your spouses and partners navigate co-parenting with one another? I feel like my ex will never get to the same path of co-parenting. It feels like constant parallel parenting. With the intentional pushback on certain topics. For example, screen time for their ages and et cetera. Yeah. So we talked about this in the past episode. So check out our second episode in the podcast. It kind of touches a little bit about it, but there's always gonna be exceptions to what we talk about. I think, uh, more of a 50 50 type custody plan is. The parents really do need to put their egos aside. They need to come together to discipline their kid in a manner that supports that continuity. And we already talked about that. And again, that's just my opinion. But in a situation where one parent has primary and the other parent gets that kid maybe more sporadically here and there, I do think that they probably need to honor the decision of that on their parenting time or as equivalent as possible. Um, again, this is tricky though. I think there are so many different situations that could take my answer in a lot of different directions. Like I don't really have a firm stance. I guess I could be swayed based off of the situation. But I think it goes on to communication. It goes mm-hmm. Yeah, you just gotta communicate and understand one another. And I'll say that Erin, I have definitely, again, throughout the years, have had hard little digs here and there where these types of situations have come into play. And to be honest, it's, this is where Brie has come in clutch and she's been like the puzzle piece and kind of like holding it all together because when we couldn't effectively communicate with one another, we would go through her. She was kind of like our mediator, literally like our mediator. And sometimes she would push back to me, sometimes she would be in agreement with me and then she'd be like, Hey, I'm gonna talk to him and make him understand where you are coming from. And again, I know that's not for every, but again, this is a benefit. This is an advantage of having that dynamic. Mm-hmm. So I will say we've come a long way and we do a lot better, but we've definitely ran into those times. Um mm-hmm. You know, where I would feel like he would be telling one of our kids that they could do something out of, like, not necessarily outta spite, but like that would be my initial reaction of, oh, he's letting him do that to spite me. He's doing that anyway. Um, and I would have to like calm myself down and I'd have to talk to you. Mm-hmm. And we're like, is he malicious intent? What is this? Gimme the scoop. Yeah. And I will say like, there are times where I take Kara's side or I take Erin's side or whatever, but really I'm taking kids aside. So it's whatever side I feel like is really gonna actually benefit the kids. And sometimes you guys are actually saying the same thing and that happens more than it doesn't happen. I think you guys are actually agreeing with each other. But you are still fighting. I'm like, why you say the same thing? You guys just package it different? We do. And I am really good at deciphering your code and his code. And I'm like, wait, this is the same fucking code. Why are you guys saying the same thing and still fighting about it? So, there's a lot of that that happens too. So maybe you guys are actually agreeing, but you just need to package it a little different. I think it comes from us because there's been such a long time that we have been feeling like we're always against each other. That's how we were. And so it's hard to overcome that. Even now. Sometimes we'll have those moments where like initial default, setting in our brain, it's like, oh, he's out to get me. Or, oh, he's coming from a negative stance. I don't know. So yeah,, I will say, I think a lot of people get divorced because they don't get along like newsflash. That's probably number one reason. Right? So you have to relearn how to. Have this relationship with this person in a non-romantic way when you've only known how to have a romantic relationship with this person. So it's just a learning opportunity that you have to see it through a different lens. Yep. You how to put on your co-parent classes, take off your relationship classes. So next question. So this was a question from my inbox. I'm not going to disclose who it was. So it was just, uh, anonymous member inbox. The question is, how are you still reinforcing the institution of marriage to your kids and not advocating for divorce? So I thought this was a really unique question and I think, maybe more people have this question than I would assume. So it actually caught me off guard though. I was like, wait, what? I will say both Kara and I are are in happy marriages now. Our kids do get to witness that. So we really are not advocating for divorce. Our ideal audience is. Somebody that's already found themself here. So if you can work out your stuff and stay happily married, that's always the goal. And I advocate for that a hundred percent. I want our children to respect the institution of marriage just as much as I do. But for those who have found themselves with their relationship already ended, and they're looking for a way to move forward with that outside of a romantic relationship, they want to move forward in a co-parenting relationship that supports their children. That's the audience that we're targeting here. That's who we're really speaking to. So again, I do value marriage and I teach my children that by my actions every day. So that's my position on it. Yeah, I think that, you wouldn't know unless you ask, of course, but like from my stance. My goal was to show my children a healthy marriage. Absolutely. And I knew that we weren't able to provide that in the situation we were in. Mm-hmm. And ultimately, I needed to do what was necessary to give my kids that opportunity to see what it could look like, what it could feel like being in a happy home. Mm-hmm. Because if you are not happy and your spouse isn't happy, like the kids feed off of that. They know it, whether you say it in front of 'em or not, whether you think you're hiding it from them or not. Like they are intuitive and they can feed off of it. Yeah. And now fast forward, like I, who I'm married to now, and we compliment each other, you know, um, we get along, we laugh a lot, we dance in the kitchen, cheesy stuff. But yeah, in my marriage now I feel as if I'm able to provide that for my children. Um, I'm with someone that compliments me very well. Um, we get along very minimal fighting, I would say, like little arguments here and there are very normal. But that was my goal, was to show them, in my view what I felt like a good marriage should look like. Yeah. And so that's ultimate, it's not that we're advocating for divorce by any means, like again, we're both married, just a way in which looks healthier. Yeah. I guess Healthier marriage. Absolutely. Yeah. That's always the goal. And if you can take your unhealthy marriage to a healthy place, please do that by all means. So do what? Do what you need to do. Do you boo boo? Do you boo booo? Okay. So this next question is from Sarah Schulman. I'm so bad with names. I'm so sorry. Sarah Sch Smalls. Smalls sch Smalls killing me. Sch Smalls. Okay, so the question is, how do you handle when you are in disagreement about certain decisions? And no amount of talks have gotten you closer to a decision together. So that really feeds off the previous question before the last one. Um, and that's, again, it's tough. It's gonna be different I think, in different situations. So it really kind of depends on how you typically handle conflict. So remembering that you only have control over what you say and do, that's the first thing. You cannot control them. Sometimes that means picking your battles. If it's a hill that you do choose to die on, then ask yourself why. If the reason is rationally solid, you find a way to phrase it to the other parents. So. You know, you, you've gotta find a way to say what you need to say and they can hear it. But again, you can't control how they hear it or how they take it. But if, if that doesn't work, my next option would be to try to find a way to make the other person think it was their idea. That's always a really effective tactic. It's all approach, it's all the approach. So, uh, if you can play that long game there a little bit, I would suggest to try to make them think it was their idea. And then you just support that. Like, oh my gosh, yeah, I didn't think about that. Swallow that pill. Yeah, but then that might not be the right approach for you. That might, might not, but try it out. It might work. I don't know. But if it's not a hill that you would die on, then sometimes I think you just gotta be the bigger person and take the l the truly just move on and then adding a layer to that holding no resentment. And then sleep well at night just knowing that you're the bigger adult. So, I don't know, communication, it comes down to that. Just find your communication style and of course, worst case scenario, if it, like you've exhausted all measures, then the obvious would be probably looking into a mediator. Mm-hmm. Which is unfortunate. But yeah. I'm not taking on clients right now. I'm just kidding. I'm not a mediator, I'm not licensed or whatever you have to do, she needs to be. But yeah, that's a good point. Go back to your paperwork. If there's something that outlines it there, then at least, like I said in the beginning of this episode, you have that black and white to fall back on. Mm-hmm. If you have to. So, next question is from Sandy Ola. Gun Ola. Sorry. I see. I'm bad with names. I'm just gonna tell you right now. Say Sandy. Sandy er, do you think she's listening? Oh yeah. Okay. Uh, okay, so this is for Kara. So Kara, since you aren't a stepparent yourself, do you try to put yourself in Bri's shoes sometimes before you come to her with something? Does it make you see things in a different way as a mom? That's a good one. so I would say yes, I definitely try my best to put myself in her shoes in the way in which I know how. Obviously I'm not a stepparent, nor have I ever been, so there's always gonna be a little bit of a disconnect there. But I do try to be very considerate of the fact, like situations where, say, our kids have sports and there's games, we have a lot of conflicting sports, especially during the summer. So, her son plays football, our daughter does cheer and then our son also plays baseball. And so it is inevitable. There's always times that things come up. And so I try to be very considerate of like prioritizing and making sure that she's not made to feel like she needs to be in three places at one time. Um, even if it's on our weekend, like we're very much, a power for couple kind of deal where we like that sounds weird, but where we really do try to like, divide and conquer. We're very big on that. Yeah. Doesn't matter who's weekend it is. Yeah. And we, we'll always switch off where it's not one parent only going to one, you know, sport, et cetera. Um, so we do try to be very considerate of that. Then also of course, like for example, Christmas just came and went. I have the past two or three years, I've actually foregone having the kids in the mornings first thing in the morning because I didn't want for a second, her children to have to wake up in the morning and have to wait, you know, to open up the gifts that Sandra just brought them. So I definitely try very hard to not put myself, I guess, necessarily in just her position as a stepparent, but also as a parent, uh, you know, completely. Um, but as a stepmom, I would say there's definitely been times where, things have come up where there's definitely been hard conversations that we've had to have, like, with the kids. Um, and like how things certain, um, conversations made her feel. Um, maybe, and I've always tried to prioritize, Hey, let's sit down. Let's have a conversation with, you know, with this kid, and kind of come to a place where they understand where you're coming from and you understand where they're coming from. So I definitely try to always consider her feelings because if you don't, if at any point, like any of this, this won't work. If you aren't trying to not put your, don't put yourself first. You have to put everybody first and understand that that's the only way that it's all gonna flow. Yeah. And I will say in our situation, you are an aunt. My kids. Yeah. If not more of a second mom. So you love my kids just as I love yours. So it's you really putting yourself in their shoes do a lot of times. And again, it goes back to what's gonna be best for the kids. Right. Sometimes that makes life harder on the adults. Yep. Guess what? That's what it's supposed to be. Exactly. You're not supposed to make your life easier to make your kids' life harder. Yeah. They didn't choose this life. Absolutely. We literally made them. Absolutely not. You break your back and make sure your kids' back is not broken. Yep. End of the day. So, and I will and I've said it before, I always feel supported in my step parenting role with Kara and Erin. So, yeah. Cool. Next question. I know how to say this name. Abby Re. So the question, this is such a good question. Mm-hmm. I'm so excited. How do you navigate the boundaries of what to share with each other about your relationships with your spouse since you were best friends? I feel like that it could be really tricky since you are also co-parents. So I feel like some topics have to be off limits, whereas some normal best friend relationships, you would talk about everything. We all know what she's asking. And the answer is, oh yeah, we have no boundaries. No boundaries. Maybe the beginning we did. Yeah, no, now no. No. So I would say there's nothing off the table. Nothing. Everything's on the table. So like our friendship has evolved over the years. Our co-parenting relationship has evolved over the years, and so this topic has evolved with it. I think at one point we had a conversations like, you know, I remember saying something along the lines like, you are my best friend, but I still feel like there's things that I can't say to you. And we've, like, we literally said the things, we said, the words and like, Hey, I feel like I can't talk to you about this, but you're my best friend and I really need to talk to you about this. And so we did. And then we like tried it out, I think. Yeah, we put the hat on and let's just see, I literally just asked, I'm like, which hat do I need to put on right now? Yes. Is a best friend hat or, co-parenting hat. Yes. And we'll just ask each other that right before Yep. We're like, you know, I think it works. It does. It works so well. But yeah, so present day we talk about everything. Yes. I mean everything. Yes. Yes. Even that. Yeah, even that. So, um, yeah. What's your. I mean, dit Yeah. Yeah, in the beginning obviously it was, uh, more filtered, but, uh, trial and error, like she said. Um, just kind of like filling each other out, seeing how would we, we would react. Mm-hmm. Um, and then ultimately I just, yeah. We started doing the whole, like, which hat do I put on? Mm-hmm. And yeah, of course, I mean, the obvious, like sometimes it comes up conversations of whether we're complaining about our spouses or 'cause that happens, whether we're talking about, you know what, we talk about sex, we talk about our sex life. Oh yeah. I'm just gonna say it. Yeah. Yeah. People want to know, we gotta give the people what they need. Yeah. And. I know that that sounds weird. It does. It is weird. But I again, like what you said before, like we are truly, Erin and I are two different people now. Yes. Like I truly feel like I've lived a few different lives in my time now, cat. I know. I'm 37 tomorrow, so I've had a few. Oh yeah. By the time this comes out, it, it will be cared. Oh, Facebook wish her happy birthday. She's gonna be an old lady. Okay. Rude. Yeah. Sorry. You've hit your thirties. You're starting to feel what I feel, so I'm, I had to go get a facial yesterday. Aw. Shout out to PS Wellness. Yeah, go get a facial. So great. Change your life or Botox. 'cause I'm about to lead that too. PS out. This is not a paid ad. It is not a paid ad, but I do go there actually. Like I would advocate for them. Oh yeah. Anyways so yeah, we talk about all, all, all dull the nitty gritty. Mm-hmm. And it's, I know it sounds weird, but it's really, I don't, it's truly like we're best friends. We don't, I don't, I don't know how, see, don't, yeah. It does not work for everybody. I'm aware. Yeah, we're special. We are special. And so this wasn't a question, but I've been asked this multiple times by people, how does Aaron feel and how does Nick feel? Mm-hmm. And so I'll speak for Aaron 'cause I just know him and I have had conversations. I've literally asked him, does this bother you? No. And he said, you know, in the beginning it was a little bit uncomfortable, I think. I think it probably came from insecurity. You know, like, I don't want him to compare notes. Yeah. You know? That makes sense. Yeah. But, or like, are they talking shit on me? Which, I mean, sometimes I love you, but, that's just what best friends do. Yeah. But I will also say like Kara has advocated for you, Erin, she wants our relationship to work selfishly. Yeah. But either way, like she's also helped our relationship, so whatever. I can't wait till he hears that. You're like, really, really? Aw, she's not just a complete bitch. No. I mean, you know, Aaron has called you before, oh yeah. No, we had, we were in a, I don't even remember what the fight was about now, but it was a pretty good fight. Mm-hmm. And he reached out to you and he was like, yep. I don't know what to do. Yep. And you, I was like, Hey, get your head outta your ass. Pretty much. You gave him some advice and he took it and it worked. Yeah. So I think that's a huge moment too. Mm-hmm. Like your ex-husband called you for relationship advice. That's when you know you've won. And not in a way like that sounds like. We're all winning. Yeah. Like we are winning together because we're able to get to that point. Like not mm-hmm. Very few far between, I'm sure. Yeah. For people. But i'm like, thank you. Yeah. Like it, you know, you see that there, there can be other answers than what you're thinking inside. Yeah. So, and that's been a couple years now. Yeah. That was a while ago. Yeah. Alright, next question. Destiny hurt. She had a couple questions. So her first question is, have you ever experienced challenges with children resisting authority from your stepparent or non-biological parent? And like example, you're not my mom, you're not my dad, uh, so I don't have to listen to you kind of thing. And how have you addressed it if you've had that? So,, from my perspective, we have had little bouts of that here and there, but honestly nothing extensive, like we've said before, our kids are so respectful. Um, but. All four of us parents have different parenting styles. So I just kind of wanted to start off there. It's not like we all magically agree on everything all the time, and we parent exactly how the other would parent. 'cause we don't. So that's number one. We have to kind of navigate that because it's not all the same. But, I will just say, I think all of our kids feel loved by us. So even their stepparents, they feel loved. And I think that's kind of where it starts. They've built trust with us in those moments. And so when we have had to discipline them or hold them accountable, they revert back to those feelings of, oh, I do trust this person. I do love this person. I do feel loved by this person. And so I think there's help in those situations. I'll also say that Erin and Kara support our parenting relationship with the kids, and I've said that so many times, but I'm gonna continue to say it because that's a huge part of it. Like we've said in our past episode, the kids really do feed off of how their parents react or feel. So if the parents support the stepparents, then that's going to go a long way. For the big things we physically get together and give that punishment or give that talk or, correct that child in whatever the situation. Like if it's one of those big moments, we will get together and we will show them that we are a united front. And so I think that helps. But,, I, like I said before, every situation is super unique. So if you are running into that, I would really challenge you to kind of like take a step back. And if you're feeling like they're resisting you, it's probably because there's not trust built there yet. And that might be hard to hear, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but maybe you just need to slow down a little bit and show them that love too. And maybe you take yourself out of the parenting and the discipline side of things for a while. Let the bio parent kind of handle that for a while and you just build up that trust until you can come to a spot where you feel like maybe that could be reintroduced. So I don't know. That's my take. Yeah. Anything add? I'd say, um, like for our situation, Brie and Nick are very one type of personality. Aaron and I are another person type of personality. Mm-hmm. Which we've said that before. But when it comes to parenting, like they're very structured. They're very like. I don't wanna say they want things a certain way, but they have expectations that they're kind of, they tend to be like the ones that are the enforcers. Yeah. They do more authoritarian. They are, they definitely have the authority. And Aaron and I have a tendency to be more relaxed and I think that comes from a place I, I don't wanna speak for Aaron, but because we are both coming from where the kids, we only get them 50% of the time. And then we're, we always have that guilty conscience in the back of our head. We're like, oh, we only get them for, half the time. And I don't wanna spend that time punishing them or making them do chores or making 'em do that. And that's a, that's a problem. That's something we're still trying to work through. Mm-hmm. Because we can't look at it that way. And then by default, that makes it look or appear, at least for my household, where Nick seems to be, I guess coming from a negative approach. And it's not the case. He just. You know, this is our home. His expectations aren't unreasonable. He wants, them to pick up after themselves, to do dishes, to do their own laundry. Like very typical things and, you know, in most households. But I'm just, I tend to be more relaxed and I, I don't enforce it as much. And, I guess not trying to get too far off subject, but in those times it's like very important, like what Brie said, to support them. And then sometimes I'll even like what she said, I'll, I'll have Nick take a step back and I'll be like, Hey, if it feels as if they're looking at you in this way and that you're not getting positive feedback, let me enforce it. So I do, I try to step into that role as much as I can. I definitely lack, I won't deny, but I do try to be like, here, I will be the one, I will be the one to remind them. I'll be the one to tell 'em like, Hey, do this. Hey, you forgot to do that. Hey, you're grounded because you did not do X, Y, Z. So you definitely you need to reevaluate yourself, but also make sure you're getting that support from your spouse as well, to make sure everybody's on the same page. So I think that has helped, at least for us anyway. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think, the bio parent being the bad guy, quotations sometimes is an approach that is an easy way to build that trust. Mm-hmm. A little bit. So try it out. The same person has a second question. So how did you guys manage child related expenses between two households? This can be such a sensitive topic, but I'm curious whether most people use traditional child support or work things out collaboratively without court involvement. So is the split usually 50 50? Is it structured differently, um, et cetera? So yeah, this is always gonna be a hot button topic, I think, for people, but. Yes. So I'll go ahead and answer to this one. So I will say, going back to when Aaron and I got a divorce, I actually opted out of child support. And I remember the judge like really questioned me on that decision. And, I was just, ultimately my stance was we both make good money. We both made these kids together. I don't feel as if I need a court ordered piece of paper to force him to pay me money. We're adults, we can figure this out financially. And we've actually done very well. Like since then, there's never been a time where I've ever, I even remember the judge being like, well, you may have to come back. You may have to like get this situated. And I was like, no, we won't be back, and we haven't. Mm-hmm. So I'm very proud of us for that. Um, but yeah, long story short, we do, we're very good about everything being 50 50. It, and sometimes there'll be one thing that say he pays for, and then I'll turn around like, oh, I remember you paid for this. I'll pay for that. and I know that does not happen for everybody. I know that that is definitely not the same case. Mm-hmm. But yeah, ultimately, we've done a very good job of just truly communicating, Hey, I paid for this. You owe me this. And it's never a fight. It's never like awkward either. And then sometimes be like, oh, well I can't pay till pay it. That's fine. Mm-hmm. Like, it's cool. So definitely got lucky there, I'd say. This is an area like others that I think is very atypical. Yeah. We handle it well. It works for us. Yeah. If you have questions or issues, get something in black and white. Yes. Please do so. So, I'll kind of touch on that too. So we provide for our household, you know, clothes and, all the things. If they have, um, a field trip, we get the, the food on our day or like whatever, those little things like we provide on our parenting time, and you do the same in your household. So, um, they don't like take clothes back and forth with them unless it's like their favorite jacket that they just got or whatever. But like, for the most part, like they don't pack a bag to go between two houses, right? So they have their own things in each house. The big things, the sports, the events, the travel, the stuff like that. All of that is, oh yeah. Eric, I got your, I got your memo. I know I owe you for the bat that you just bought last night. I'll get that Venmo over to you soon. Yeah. We handle money in, in a 50 50 way. Like we truly do have 50 50 custody. So it's,, like we split the week and then we have every other weekend. So it's, it's truly 50 50. Mm-hmm. So that's kinda how we handle it. But, so next question is from anonymous member 1 0 6. So we just started a custody battle that will likely get messy. He just got a girlfriend in quotations who I actually like, and he forbids me to talk to her. I have been nice, but I have made it be known that her level of involvement is too fast. The kids met her early and have since started staying almost every night at her house. Before that, if they were with their dad, they were with her and her extended family. I do not know. I have two little girls and that fact worries me. I can't even look up names on CaseNet. It's all very frustrating because we have worked out of custody agreement and therapy three years prior that we agreed and followed. And now that he has a girlfriend, he wants 50 50. How would you handle these concerns, ideas for getting her to be friendly to me? Also, are there any points I should put in the custody plan that you wish you had? I will start off by saying that does seem messy, so I, I'm sorry that you're dealing with that, but. I, and I don't know who you are. I don't know who he is, I'm just making assumptions, so please don't take it as gospel, but I bet he doesn't want you guys to talk because it's coming from an insecurity place in some way. So again, don't come from me there. But ultimately, if he wants to see his kids more, even if she is the catalyst, I don't necessarily think that's bad. Of course, I don't know the situations. I don't know the details to truly speak on that, but at the end of the day, you don't have any more control over his parenting time than he does with yours. And that is a hard pill to swallow it does feel uncomfortable there. So if there's safety concerns or other issues or anything like that, like that's a whole different discussion. But in general, if the kids are gonna be safe there, I don't know. I would just suggest opening up the door to the three of you having a conversation. Sit down and try to get on the same page as best as you can. And if that's not something that he's open to, then again, you don't have much control over that, unfortunately. But I really do wish you the best. Anything to add? I mean, yeah, you pretty much spoke on all of it. I would like what you said, I would try, even if he's not willing to allow her in on the initial conversation, maybe you and him sit down and try to hash it out in a productive way. Mm-hmm. And just explain your feelings. Try to keep the emotions to your best, the best that you can out of it. And just try to be rational and calm and just explain where you're coming from and how you're viewing it. I can't obviously promise that it's going to go the right way or the way you want it to, but, all you can do is be the best person that you can be. You all you can do is. Have your children's best interest at heart and hope that he would have the same, I mean, you obviously had kids with this person, so there's gotta be some good in there, I would hope. And so trust that he's making the right decisions and, and not putting your kids in a weird position, you know, weird place. So, yeah. But yeah, I would try to just open up that line of communication and I would think that she'd want to too. But again, if it's still fresh, it makes sense why she's probably a little nervous. Yeah. Especially if her, her partner, your ex is, really discouraging of that. Yeah. She's gonna, especially in the beginning, she's going to Yes. Really lean towards his feelings. Exactly. So, and I think that's totally normal of her. I don't think that's, yeah. It's not abnormal. Right. Yeah. Feel free to reach out if you have more questions along that line. Right. So, all right, next question. Anonymous member 7 0 2. So after blending your house as a stepmom, do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells on the when and why to correcting or disciplining his kids? My kids now know not to play the parents, but his kids play the parents and then give the, he, he, I won laugh when he gives in after I say no, and then he walks away. I hope that makes sense. So yeah, this one is, uh, a bit different. Um, I will say, I, I feel like if you're walking on eggshells, if you're, if you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells in the house, I would almost bet money that the kids feel like that as well. So put yourself in their shoes. I don't, I, I think the biggest driving factor for me in wanting to show up as my best self, and sometimes that means biting my tongue or whatever the case is. I never wanted any child to feel. Like they're walking on eggshells when they're with their parent, like if they're with their dad. And if I was the reason why kids were feeling that way, I would really want to look within and see what I could do different. So that would not happening. Now I will say, just based off of this question, how you worded it, it sounds like maybe the dad isn't super supportive of your relationship with them. So I think that needs to start there. You need to have a conversation with him and kind of get on the same page on parenting, what he's comfortable with in you parenting his kids, and what he's not comfortable with, and kind of come to an agreement there. So that you can all have mutual respect in your home. So. Best of luck there. But Kara do you have anything else to add to that? Yeah, I'll say I was a step, so I've never been a stepparent, but I was a stepchild and I was literally that child. I was not an easy child to parent. I always, I left, I remember leaving notes for my stepmom to find that said terrible things like, you're not my fucking mom. Like I was horrid. I, and I acknowledge that now. Uh, so it just sounds like you got Yeah, it sounds like you got a couple of mes. I was kidding. No, but like what said, definitely sitting down, having a conversation with him 'cause that's where it honestly stems from. Like, he has to support you in your role and if he's not, and it may be coming from a place of just like what I had said previously, like where Aaron and I feel like when we only have them so much that we don't wanna. Jump into that disciplinary role. It, it is such a weird, hard place to find yourself. So I can see it from potentially from his side too, but ultimately he does need to, express to you or like break it down to you like what his expectations are. And if you guys have not had that conversation, maybe you have, but like you need to be able to feel that support from him. So maybe just going back and having that and like sitting down and be like, Hey, this is how I feel. This is where I'm at. I feel like I'm losing an uphill battle. Can you help me or can you, and Nick and I have found ourselves there too, there's been times where that's literally what Nick has felt like is that the kids like will laugh or something like that. 'cause they're like thinking he's joking and he is not. And I will say I'm guilty of it. I've kind of like snickered or laughed like in the moment. So like I, I have been that parent too, so I see it from that angle as well. And I don't think it's malicious or intentional. It's just like trying to make things light, keep things light. Like, and that's just my parenting role. It's just kind of how I end. But yeah, it just, it all starts with the conversation. Um, I don't think it's something that the kids are intentionally trying to, be hateful, but, uh, again, it, it is all circumstantial. It all depends on like how long you've been in the picture, how, you know, what, how their parent, how their mom perceives you, what is said with what we've touched on before. And kids feed off of that energy. Mm-hmm. So it, there's so many different ways, to go about this one. It is such a, that's a difficult one. This is a good one. Mm-hmm. But we're more than willing to, if you wanna reach out to us directly, we're more willing to talk more in depth. We. Yeah. And I will also kind of add to that, it's like it's not the kids' responsibility to make that relationship work, right? It's the adults. So I really would challenge you to kind of find a way to, to communicate with your partner to get on the same page. And if that means that we take a, a step back from the, the parenting aspect mostly, uh, with your stepchildren and you just kind of be the good guy, play good guy, bad guy, exactly kind of situation for a while, and build that trust of, they've gotta feel like they can trust you and that they, they feel that love there. So I would start there. Yep. Okay. Okay, last question. This is from Kayla Harden, and this is for Kara how do you navigate changing your last name with your children away from theirs when you and Nick don't have biological children together? I kept my married name for my children, but now I am getting remarried and it's important to him that I changed my last name. My co-parenting relationship is very complex and will never look like this one, but I am trying to figure out how to navigate that change and not make my kids feel like I'm starting a new family without them. Care's about to cry. This is a big topic. It is so big. 'cause I absolutely can relate to tenfold. Yeah. Yes. I, okay, so for those that did not see or know, Nick and I just celebrated our four year anniversary two days ago, and so my social security has changed. I'm just gonna be very transparent on this and Nick's gonna. Yell at me later. No, it's not gonna yell. But I have not changed my driver's license. I haven't changed any of my accounts, I haven't changed my passport. And part of it for the longest time was, I will say, is definitely related to what you're feeling like. I remember just the simplicity of picking my kids up from school. And when you sign them out and they see that it's a different last name at, I don't know that that's something that's always stuck out with me, that I still actually have. Just, just to be clear, I still actually have Aaron's last name. I'm still, legally on all these accounts as carrot bird. So just same thing, obviously. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, it's, uh, I get it and I don't think that my kids would feel that way. My kid's a little bit older now. Maybe before, I would say part, probably Parker made a comment at one point in time that made me feel like it would bother him, but. Um, or I think it was something along the lines where they're like, wait, you have to change your name now so you're no longer gonna be bird. And like, it was kind of like a, like they were genuinely concerned. So yeah, it's same thing. And now at this point, it has nothing to do with that. I don't feel that way anymore. It's just I'm lazy. I'm not just gonna, I'm lazy. I really think the girls get the short end of the stick when it comes to this because there's so many things you have to change and it's exhausting. And I'm not one that does well, I get very overwhelmed very easily. I actually remember reaching out to Bri. Yeah. Like last year. I'm like, Hey, I need you to provide me tasks, but only one at a time. 'cause she started to gimme like 10. I was Oh, that's too much. Too fast. Yeah. Step by step. Like, how do I change my name? Call me adult. I was like, okay. I told you I'm not very good at certain things. There's some things that she like comes in, but, um, yeah. So really bad answer for you. I get it. I understand it. I definitely think that the kids will understand. I if that's your biggest fear, like they're, they know you're still their mom, they're not gonna, but I, I'm gonna say it, so I'm blue in the face. I understand where you're coming from. Um, and I'm still working on it myself. Yeah, there's no best answer here is what it, it's really what works best for your family. So, and I was married before too, if you guys didn't know that. So I, same as Kara though, like, and she didn't talk about this part, but I was married for a while and I didn't change my name until about six months before we got divorced, my previous Oh yeah, same. Yeah. I didn't even change it to birth. Yeah. So then, so we changed our la our last name like right before divorcing and then, uh, got divorced. So then I had to change it back. So, I used to share a last name with my son Braxton. And um, as soon as I got divorced though, I changed actually. And it for me, I, I just, I don't know, I just wanted my name back, so, but yeah, there's no right or wrong. I think having a conversation with your kids if you feel the need to, and, let them know it's just the last name and if you have a daughter, likely their last name will change at some point in their life if they choose to. So, yeah, I don't know. That one's hard. And that is a way to approach it too, like explain to 'em, Hey, at one point in time you may change your name, you may choose to, obviously it's a choice, but you may choose to change your name when you get married. So I think going with that approach would actually be really beneficial. Yeah. Yeah. But you have things in your home that say fling or have an F on it too. But then Logan named her Cat Uhhuh Logan named her cat. Uh, the last name is Bird. It's Queen B Bird. Yeah. So I think even Parker, when we got Winston, our dog. He tried to do the same thing. He's like, oh, it's a Winston Theodore bird. Or like, actually, we're like, okay, that's fine. Yeah. So it's just kids don't, yeah. I think, um, and for like Nick, you know, he, he's the like man of the house at your home and, um, three out of the, well, I guess you kind of technically have a fling last name, I don't know. But he has to navigate that. Like, this isn't a fling household, it's a fling bird household, but you just have to put your pride aside. It's fine. You know, nothing in this blended family is gonna be perfect or be Exactly. So you just kind of navigate it the best you can. Yeah. Oh, that's all we got for you guys now. This is a fun episode. We'll be back, uh, actually next week we're gonna be out of town. I don't know if we're gonna do it. Oh yeah, we might do something, but I don't know if I can bring all this equipment. I guess talking about not trying to like jump back on that one of those questions that actually Perfect opportunity too. About splitting expenses. Mm-hmm. we go vacation together all the time. Mm-hmm. We'll split costs of Airbnbs, uh, cars. We'll. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well we have to take separate cars. Yeah. You got too many. I know we have too many, but usually one of yours usually jumps in ours. Yeah. Usually. But yeah, we're staying in an Airbnb together, which is not uncommon for us. No. We usually try to stay together just 'cause it's cheaper. And so if you wanna stay on Monday Yeah. Start co-parenting. But even like last year, you and Aaron took a trip with Parker, just you two and Parker for baseball. And you guys stayed together in Airbnb. Yep. Nick and I stayed home with the other kids. Yep. We did stuff together with Nick and I. We literally, and that's another one of those, divide and conquer. Yep. So. That's for another episode. Yeah. Little tease in. They're like, wait, what? We'll get into it. No, nothing. They, no, they don't stay in the same room. No, absolutely not. But yeah, thanks for, uh, joining us and if you guys have more questions, we would love to keep answering them at the end of our episodes. So ask away. If you haven't joined our Facebook group or our Instagram, go check us out. Get your life together. Yeah, it's, uh, blended af as you know. So yeah. Bye. Bye. Blended AF is an independent podcast hosted by Brianna and Kara, and produced by Brianna. We are not family counselors or licensed professionals. We're just real people sharing our real experiences, the wins, the mistakes, and everything in between. Nothing shared here is meant to replace professional advice. It's simply our story told honestly. Thanks for being here, and we'll catch you in the next episode. Bye bye.