Welcome to blended af, the podcast where real co-parenting meets real life. Hosted by Kara and Brianna, were having honest conversations about blended families growth and navigating it all together.. So before we get into today's episode, we want to take a minute and explain our family dynamic. 'cause it can be confusing, especially if you're new. So we'll just start there. Okay, so to start off, Aaron and I were married and together for seven and seven or eight years, and we had two kids. Their names are Parker and Logan. Before I met Aaron, I had a son named Brexton. Eventually Aaron and I did end up getting a divorce, and then a couple years later, Brianna and Braxton came into the picture. At that point, Brianna became a stepmom to Parker and Logan. Well, not obviously immediately, but you get the gist so then a couple years after that, Kara met Nick and they're married and now he is a stepdad to Parker and Logan. after that, Erin and Bree had two little girls together. Madeline and Nora. Twins, by the way. Mm. So today we're just one big family. Big old blended one. Yeah. Family of nine. Yeah. When we go out to eat, we have to pay the gratuity for. It's automatically added. Sometimes they have to split us up. Yeah. But it didn't all start out happily ever after like it is now. It was messy, emotional, we've learned along the way. So that's why this podcast exists. So if you're new here, welcome. And if you're trying to understand how all of this works, dive in with us. We'll try to explain it best we can. Okay. So again, going back to the beginning, I was dating someone else previously who was not as on board for the co-parenting dynamic, and that definitely caused a strain and a delay in what we are today. And seeing that, and obviously at the time I didn't see it for what it was, I was blinded. But once that was no longer part of the equation, it quickly opened my eyes to see that this could be much more functional. From there, I would say we led into baseball season and for those that don't know, our son, Parker, he plays very highly competitive baseball and has since the beginning for quite some time. And, um, I remember one specific event. That occurred, I was sitting on the bleachers, and again, at this point we're trying to make the co-parenting dynamic work, but we're not talking, we're not like actual friends at this point. And I remember your son Braxton coming over and out of nowhere. I'm literally just sitting by myself and he comes over and he just sits on my lap. And at that point I think he's four. Yeah, I think he's four. Four. So four year olds don't know, like they don't know what's going on. They just know that, hey, that at that point I know that in his mind he's like, oh, this is Logan and Parker's mom. She must be all right. And so he just comes over and plops on my lap. And for those that don't know who Braxton is today, he's very selective on his like love language and who he talks to, who he chooses to express. Any type of emotion to, he's like a cat. Yes, very much like a cat. And I just remember that moment like it was yesterday and I remember I truly like explained it, like I felt like the Grinch where my heart just grew like 10 times in that moment when he sat on me. I'm like, oh. And I think that was like the point where I remember looking over at you and I'm like. One. I was like, is this okay? But two, I was like, oh my God. He's like pulling on my heartstrings here. And from there I think that it was truly like the turning point and in my mind, yeah. So I feel like that was like a good start to the beginning for us. It just was it like set the tone where I was like, you know what? Like this could work, this could, this does make sense. Like it could make sense if we just allow it. honestly, playing devil's advocate. If I were in my home saying negative things about you, he wouldn't have done that. Yeah. So I think that honestly shows too, like we both wanted to work together. We just didn't quite maybe know how to put the pieces together yet, and Brexton was like. Subconsciously I got this. Yeah. Literally. I'm gonna rip the bandaid off. Mm-hmm. I think that same day, this is a memory that sticks into my mind, is I had been using eyelash serum to grow my eyelashes and it was finally working and it had been months. And you looked at me and you're like. You have really long eyelashes. I was like, if that's all you can muster up, thank you. But it was so funny because like even in that moment we weren't really like at all working together co-parenting. We definitely weren't friends, but you found like one thing to be nice about and it was my eyelashes. So for whatever reason that memory sticks into my mind. But um, yeah, so. I met the kids for the very first time at a baseball game. And do you remember, oh, I remember that. Well talk about how that felt. I, looking back now, having all of the information, it is a little bit different now, but, um, so, so I show up to a baseball game, so full transparency. At that point in time, I had been dating the previous, um, person for about seven months. And I had just reached out to Aaron letting him know, Hey, I'm gonna bring this person around our kids. Giving him that consideration, like letting 'em know, Hey, I'm gonna introduce them and I'm gonna bring him to the baseball tournament. Mm-hmm. He was not very, he didn't receive that information very well, let's say, but like, he obviously knew he didn't really have a choice in the. So anyway, yeah, I show up to the baseball game and suddenly I see this other, I didn't obviously realize what it was or what the situation was until, I don't even know how it like got portrayed, but I think I realized that obviously you were sitting next to Aaron and I was like, huh. And then I saw this little boy with you too, and I was like, interesting. I was like, wait, what? What's going on here? So basically it was a surprise attack in a way. I was like this mother. Wait, so the first time that that boyfriend was meeting the kids was that same day? Yes. You didn't know that? I didn't know that. Oh yeah. I thought, oh, Sorry. Yeah. Okay. I was like, so I was a pawn. That's okay. In that moment, maybe a little, but I wasn't sure. But the, but obviously that was the way I looked at it. I was like, he's, this is a jab. Like in my sense, you know? And so I was mad of course at first 'cause I was like, how long she been around? I had no, I didn't know anything about you. Mm-hmm. Not long by that point. Yeah. And so I was like. I was obviously frustrated. Yeah. I was like, how? How rude? Like I gave you the consideration. I didn't receive that. Cool. Yeah. Obviously that's in the past, but yeah, that was the initial reaction. Well, introducing your kids to a new partner is, that's a huge thing. Every single person that co-parent has to deal with that at some point or another. Yeah. And you don't have control. You really don't. So that's something that you do end up giving up that control to this other person who you already divorced. So you probably are not working very well with them right now in the moment when you're introducing a new partner. So it can be a situation in which there's like no easy way. No. And I think there's a lot of conflict that comes around that topic alone. And for us it didn't, it started out very typical, like I think a whole lot of people experience. So yeah, it's like you're in the same room, but you couldn't be further apart, like zero eye contact. There's no conversation there. Avoid, pretend they're not there. Like that's pretty much how we were initially. Yeah. Yeah. And I felt really uncomfortable. I remember standing in the back of like, we were at three and two. Yeah, you were by the trees. Yeah, I was by the trees. Kind of by the bathroom. Yeah. Um, and Braxton and I had just came from a four mile run, so that we did at the zoo. And Aaron was like, Hey, you got, you should come, you know, to this baseball game. I was like, sure, we just got done with this run, so let's go. And on. I did that run with my ex-boyfriend's parents, so let's just add more mess to this. Right? Right. Like it was so messy. Like him and I were very done at that point, but I had already signed up for this run and it was with his parents and like, let's do it, whatever. Right. Yeah. So the first time Aaron met Braxton was honestly just as messy. I didn't have that other co-parent that your dynamic had. Um, but I did have a whole lot of mess. So, Aaron and I were going on our second date and have I told you this story before? Yeah. Okay. So we, we can tell everybody else. Yeah. Uh, so I went on the, our second date, and it was around spooky season, which is my favorite. So we were going to a haunted corn maze, and it was adults only. It was like drinks involved, whatever. It was gonna be super fun. As soon as we get there, I get a call from somebody saying that my son was in danger by who was watching him, which is a whole nother story, A whole nother podcast. And so I was like, I looked at Aaron and I was like, Hey, we, we gotta go. You gotta, take me to go get my kid. And he was like, okay. He like didn't even question it, whatever. And he already had a car seat in his truck because of Logan. And so we go and we pick up Braxton and. That was the very first time that he ever met him. And we had only really been dating, like this was our second date. It was very, very, very fast and it was not intentional. But, he, we went to go get dinner, he dropped us off back at the house and he left. And that was it. That was the date. But, introducing your kids to somebody new it's such a big deal. But when you have that other, their other parent involved. You have to think about where you should be thinking how that's gonna work and, and what they're gonna think. And um, I think a lot of people in that situation, they don't consider the other person I think I was always trying to be very considerate because I knew how emotional responsive. Aaron is. Mm-hmm. And always hoped that it would be returned. If he was received, he would return it. Mm-hmm. That obviously wasn't always the case, and that's all right. Looking back on it now, but in the moments there you get very like frazzled, very upset. And of course I felt all those feelings. Mm-hmm. And that's why I was probably another reason that delayed us kind of like. Getting along or getting to know each other. 'cause I was like, this was outta spite. Like that was my initial, how I received it. Mm-hmm. So, and just as a disclaimer for people who might consider us bashing at some points of this podcast, like this is really what happened. Yeah. And we've worked past it and we've gotten here. Yep. Um, and I know we talked a little bit about our biggest fears last episode, but one of my bigger fears too, that I didn't mention last time was. That we're gonna open up all of these wounds that we've already healed from. We've already discussed it and moved past it, but now here we are. We're gonna have to talk about 'em again. And they're not always the best light for whoever is involved in the story. But we've moved the needle, we've moved past it. We've healed and grown, and now we're in this point where we are today making this podcast about co-parenting and. Some of the parts aren't gonna be perfect. We didn't do everything exactly right in the moment. Maybe. Yeah. But I think it's important for us to touch on those because I know it's easy for it to be perceived as like we're all rainbows and butterflies and like mm-hmm. Happy go like, but it wasn't always the case. We had to grow into this. Yes. It's important for other people to know that. Uhhuh. A hundred percent. Okay, so first meet that's over. We got through it, we survived with nobody combusted. shortly after that for me, the relationship I was in at that time, I quickly realized that it wasn't what was best for my family, my personal family as far as like growth and potential. And so that ended. Um, kind of dramatically, but either way, it still ended. And I think moving forward from that really helped our dynamic significantly because then I was no longer having any outside influences, dictate my decision making on trying to co-parent. Mm-hmm. So I really think that that opened up the doors, I guess you'd wanna say. For us to really like, get to know each other. Yeah. On a more personal level. Yeah. So I, in my memories, we go into wrestling season, which is more of like fall into winter, and that's a lot of downtime. You're just kind of sitting around in a lot of school hallways. So I remember really like having more conversations with you at that point. And just like normal conversations, not even really anything important, just like getting to know each other. We were dating little dates here and there. Yeah. And one of our very first pictures together was at Ley and we were just sitting in like the high school hallway and I had just gotten new glasses and you had just gotten good glasses and they were like pretty much the same glasses. Which actually goes down to a whole other story. We just happen to match all the time. All the time. Even today, even shoes. Yes. And I think you made the comment at one point like, Hmm, clearly Erin hasn't tied. Yes. That's been like an ongoing joke for a long time. Since Uhhuh we're, we're different in a lot of ways, but Aaron has a type. And that's okay. No, I really do think like I, it is crazy, as a parent you think that with sports and stuff like that, like it's so time consuming, but like the downtime you have, it really did open up. Like it was such a huge opportunity for us Yeah. To get to know each other because. The distance we would drive, it didn't make sense to obviously leave. So we're like, oh, oh, you're here. Oh, I'm here. Oh, well. Mm, well we're gonna sit by each other. And so it's like one of those like gradual. Yeah. Like, mm. Okay. Let's talk, we got time. Yeah. I move closer and, and then you move closer and, and then I move closer and then by the next time, like we're sitting right next to each other. 'cause it just like, why are we yelling? And I will say that obviously it's not this, again, I've said this before and I'll say it again, probably say it a hundred more times. Like it is very dependent on personalities and we just had a lot of chemistry. Like you said like we had a lot in common. Mm-hmm. And we just, I don't know. It was one of those things where conversation was always fluid and it wasn't like really awkward. It never felt, even though obviously at the beginning, but. Like you said, we wouldn't really talk about Aaron or talk about the kids, like we would just talk about us. Mm-hmm. And where you were from? Where I was from, what you did, I did. Sports played not played. And I don't know, it just, it didn't ever felt forced. It felt like, okay, I genuinely want to get to know more about this person, and she's obviously in my kids' lives, like I definitely want to get to know her. Mm-hmm. But then it just kind of like went from there and it was like easier. Yeah. So we were kind of on a good track, you know, just. We would talk when we were, it was opportunistic. We didn't communicate really outside of when we had to at that point. Um, and then Logan started calling me mom. So that was a setback. That was a setback. I wanna say. That was definitely early, like, kind of early on. I know it was very early. It was. No, it was definitely early, but it was like It was after her party. Yes, and it was, I think it was still baseball season at that time. I don't remember, but it was, we were kind of on a good track, and then that happened and everything kind of went downhill again. I'm like, okay. Everything isn't rainbows and butterflies. Nope. Um, so we had to navigate that and that was probably our first big fight. Yes. Like you and I. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely not you. And that's my pit heads. Yes. And I remember. You, you called first 'cause you worked pretty far away and you like called on your way home from work and you were mad? I was real mad. She was spicy, I was a little and I was like, I don't know what you want me to do about this. So yes, I remember the day well. Mm-hmm. So this was actually still, I remember 'cause of the context of the conversation, I was actually still dating the previous person at that time. But neither said, so I pick up Logan from daycare and I can't remember how it came about, but she used to like have, tell me about her day. And then suddenly she's like said something about how she had two mommies. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, well, you're my mommy at your house and Bri's my mommy at my dad's house. I was like, and okay, let's be, let's be transparent and say for what? It's that fucking hurt, you know, because it. It felt like weight. Exactly. Your, the fears that you have in these types of situations as a mom, like somebody's taking over, taking my role Yeah. In my absence, and it just, oh, it just felt like a knife going through my heart. Yeah. So in addition to that, this was another one of those conversations I had had previously with Aaron, where I had asked, Hey, out of respect. Please never allow this, and I will never either. And he agreed, of course, at that time. Mm-hmm. Well, again, leading back to what I, we had said last episode, air in communication skills, a little struggle here and there. Um, so yes, I was very emotionally responsive in this moment. I called Aaron immediately asked if he was home. And he said he was, I said his breather too. And he said Yes. I said, okay, I'm on my way. So I show up and he like, it was obviously, it was one of those conversations, it's very hard to start, but I just jumped all in. Mm-hmm. And it was very tense and very emotional and. I remember you were definitely the first to respond. Mm-hmm. And you were like, this shouldn't be a problem. I was like, oh, but it's, it is a problem. You have not been around very long. You are, at that time, this is just my feelings. I was like, you've been with Erin for a month or two, a couple months. And at this point I don't feel as if like, I was just like, no, you're not. You're not their mom. You know, so I was very guarded. I was very angry, very again, I emotionally responsive. And Aaron was very quiet during this whole conversation as he usually is. So I looked at him directly and I was like, Hey, you remember our conversation that we had about this? And he kind of was a little quiet, but he said, yeah. I was like, okay. So next week I'm gonna have the kids start calling such and such dad. And I was like, are you gonna be okay with that? And he was like, no. I was like, oh, okay. Well maybe you didn't have this conversation with Brie to let her know your feelings if the situation was reversed. And from there I was like, maybe you guys need to have a longer conversation. So again, to draw this all out, it was definitely heated. I left, still very angry, but like I said, my piece and I felt like after. You had like heard that and heard him, you kind of understood where I was coming from on that, even though it was like obviously very dramatic. But i'm gonna let you like kind of like say your piece for that and then we'll like, well for me, Logan never called me mom. So it, the situation, like in my mind, where I was coming from in that moment was like. Okay. She's referred to me as a mom. I am like, I am acting as that in this house. So she had never called me mom before, so I wanna be very clear. And I did not, I don't, I never heard Erin say, Hey, call her mom. Um, and I definitely never said, Hey, call me mom. I'm your mom now. Like, absolutely not. That was not how it happened. But I remember saying to you in the moment, like when you were really. Mad at my house. I was like, if she sees me as a mom, like I don't think that's wrong. And, and I still like, I understand how that landed. You know, like, I didn't say it probably in the best way, but I was just like, listen, you're in my house. Like, I don't know what you want from me. Um. But again, like I've never had in the reverse. That's never been a thing that I've ever had to deal with, you know? So I don't ever blame, I never blamed you for how you reacted. Yeah, no. Like I probably would've reacted the same way, but from my situation, it didn't happen. I think maybe how you thought it did, you know, as you're like playing it out in your mind probably right. But. No, I definitely thought the absolute worst. I was like, oh, wow. Like she's calling her mom, they're enabling this and mm-hmm. You know, this hasn't even been discussed, yada, yada, yada. Yeah. Or really it had anyway, but yeah, I think in my mind, again, I haven't always handled situations, especially tense. In an intelligent manner. I respond immediately. I, you know, talk and I say things that I, I don't filter myself very well. Mm-hmm. Where I don't try to look at the other side. At least in the past I didn't. Yeah. And especially at that time. And then like, looking back on it, it makes sense why it was harder for you to understand because you didn't have the other parent in the equation. So that wasn't really something you had to consider. Mm-hmm. Like you said. Mm-hmm. And I think for me, more than anything in my, uh. Obviously I felt protective of my role, but also I was looking at it more in the way that you've been in their lives for a couple months. Mm-hmm. Like, who knows what's gonna happen, where is this gonna lead? I don't want the, I'm gonna feel some type of sense of abandonment, like if you guys don't work out. Mm-hmm. You weren't married at the time. Just a variety of different ways my brain was going. Yeah. Or justifying my behavior ultimately, but then fast forward after, what was it, maybe a year or two. I definitely felt like you earned that role and earned that title. Mm-hmm. So to flip the script, I remember Mother's Day one year. It had to have been only like a year or two later. I actually made you, it's still on my wall. I know. Uh, it was kind of my way of not apologizing, but saying like, you really are a mother to them. I had made her, Like a string art sign. I do string art and it said mother in string and then had all the kids pictures at the time. Um, and then kind of doing that. I love You sign with their hands. I post it on social media. Yeah, there you go. But it was my way of being like, Hey, sorry for being an asshole. Like you are actually pretty cool. But obviously we're like friends at that point. More than anything to be like, you know, you do deserve this title. You do deserve this name sake, because you have earned that. Like you put a lot of love into our children. And, it's even in the day to day things that people don't think about. Like making sure they got to school, make sure they, you know, brush their teeth, make sure they were fed before they got to school, that they had a ride. They were picked up, taken to practices. All these things that I think a lot of parents don't see the bonus parent or set parent do. I think it's really taken for granted for a lot of people like that you guys show up in the day-to-day tasks that mm-hmm. People don't see or take the time to observe. And I, I do, I definitely see that. I see it with Nick. Nick does all the time. You do all the time. Like we very lucky to have you guys in these roles because there's some that don't, some of them that will come into these situations and they won't step up. They're like, that's not my kid. Mm-hmm. That's not my problem. Mm-hmm. And so very appreciative of both of you. I'm sorry, I'm getting all cheesy here. What was saying, I remember pretty early on, it was definitely after all of this, but Logan got sick. She was like really sick. I don't know what it was, but um, and we were somewhere together and then it was time for us to all go home. And you as a mom are like, oh my God, I really just want my baby. I'm sure my baby wants me, I'm her mom. And I remember you saying, can you please make sure like that she doesn't feel without or whatever. And of course like that was never a question. So I made sure that I gave her medicine and I was up with her most of the night and she had thrown up. And so I, I was just doing all of the mom things and I remember you in that moment being like, thank you for being there. Not that Erin couldn't have and wouldn't have and wasn't, but there's just something about a mother's touch, especially when your kids are sick and when you share custody of your kids, you can't be there a hundred percent of the time and sometimes they're sick when they're not with you. So navigating that I'm sure was hard. If you know in the moment, especially early on. Yeah. No, it was definitely tough, but it was, uh, it was one of those relieving feelings knowing that there is a mother figure in that household because yeah, dads can do it. Don't take that out of context, but like, it's, like you said, it's just different like having that mother love, we just were very nurturing naturally in comparison, especially in those situations. And so you showed up when I needed you to show up. When I couldn't. And those are those types of things. Talk, you know, talking about like copilot, like Yeah. In my absence you can be there, so it's nice. Tag me in. Yeah. Uh, being a stepparent is not for everybody. I've said that since day one, and I will continue to say it forever. And if that offends somebody. I'm sorry, she's not, sorry. I'm not sorry. The value that I place on stepparents is, or the expectations maybe that I place on stepparents is zero different than a biological parent or an adoptive parent. The responsibility does not change in my mind. So if you go into that thinking, that's my step kid, I have less responsibility. I have less. I don't know what, no, I dunno. It's almost more, in some ways it's being a stepparent is hard because of the love and how it's. Yeah, conditional. Yeah. One way, I mean a step parent's love for the child isn't conditional, it's unconditional as any other dynamic of a parent with their kid. But in my mind, that kid, your step kid, your bonus child is always going to have that, and they're always gonna know like, that's my stepmom. That's my stepdad. So I'm always worried that one day. They could just be like, um, I don't want, you know, when they're older, I don't want them in my life. And that would be the hardest thing as a stepmom to hear. Because I want to be in their life. I want to. Be a grandma to their kids. And I want this to be a forever thing, but I'm always conscious in the back of my mind that if I'm too harsh or if I'm too mean, or if I hold them accountable too much, will they not love me as much? I don't know. Probably not. But as a stepparent that runs through your mind. It does, for sure. So being a stepparent is not for everybody. I acknowledge that. But it is for me. So if you, if you can't take on that responsibility, then I just think you shouldn't. 'cause there is a lot of responsibility there and it also makes a difference on how you show up because I will say that definitely factored into the equation as to me being willing to open up to you. Mm-hmm. Because I could. Obviously not immediately, but I could tell, I'm like, okay, like she stands by her word, like she does show up not just for her kids, but my kids too. She doesn't like, and this is over time in different Aries and different equations, but I would see you interact with them. You would be just as hard on them as you would be on Braxton. Or you would still treat them with just the same amount of love and you know. You would put it, you just would put into them and I, I could see the effort behind it. 'cause you see, and you hear of a lot that are, it's the opposite. So countering Logan and how young, well, Logan and Braxton for that matter, like how young they were coming into this situation. And how easy it was for them to adapt to change because they were so young, they didn't really know what was going on. Mm-hmm. Then on the other end, there was Parker, who was much older. How old was he when he came at seven. Seven? Yeah. Seven. So for Parker, he remembered when Aaron and I were still together, he remembered obviously when you came into the equation and definitely when Nick, so his memory is much more vivid. He remembers and recalls different, situations and he remembers basically how he felt. Mm-hmm. Like what you were saying as far as like the conditional love, you know, from a child when you are providing unconditional like and being a fear, it makes total sense because. At that time, I was very narrow-minded and my feelings, I don't really hide them very well. And Parker is very intuitive of my feelings. He always has been. So even when things I don't say he can just feed off of, and so he knew ultimately that I was not fond of you. So that led him to immediately put a wall up. And I remember that being a situation. And we talked about that later on. Mm-hmm. Of how like. You could just tell and you know, and I obviously was like ignoring it then I'm like, no, he's just a mama's boy. Like he just, he loves his mom, but which was all true. Mm-hmm. But looking back on it, I really did stall your guys' relationship. Yeah. Just because of how I felt and thinking about it. Like that's, that was really selfish of me. Not that it was intentional necessarily, but I guess I didn't realize that my feelings could affect me. My kids' feelings too, and like how they would respond, you know, and how they would treat you. Mm-hmm. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Like, it makes me feel really bad because you know, like you're great and you have, you've always had their best interest at heart. But when you're, again, when you're in the middle of that, you don't. You don't think about those types of things. You don't think about how your kids are perceiving this and how your non-verbal cues as much as your verbal interactions affect them and how it really changes their perception and to how they view this person. And I know that it affected Parker a lot and to the point where he was very emotional about it. And I definitely could tell once we did calm down, when we did start like figuring it out, his tension and his anxiety, it lessened and I could just tell overall he was just a much happier kid when we like really sat down and grew up a little bit. Yeah. Well I think kids, they do pick up on more than you think they do. And whenever you have an emotional response to something, especially an intuitive child like Parker is. He's gonna know, even if you don't say the things that, like, you can, say, well, I never talk badly in front of the kids, or I never, express how I feel to my kids. And maybe you don't. Maybe that's true, but they still pick up on how you emotionally show up in those situations. So. I did feel like I was climbing an uphill battle with him, and I don't feel like that anymore. And him and I have a really good relationship. Him and I's relationship is completely different than mine and Logan's relationship. It didn't start out as easy with him. Logan and I, from the very beginning, we clicked really well and she was attached to my hip from the beginning and. She's such a girl's girl. She's like, oh my gosh. Another girl deal. Parker was like, he had loyalty towards you, obviously as his mom, and it was. It was harder. Yeah, no, he even expressed that. He was like, you didn't like her, so I didn't like her. Yeah. Oh yeah. He was a girl's boy. But he never said that until later on. Until like now, as he knows we're doing this, like, and he may eventually make his little appearance, but yeah, he said that, that was one of the first things. He's like, oh yeah, you should mention how this, I was like, oh. Oh. Mm-hmm. Right. Well, I think kids don't, when they're younger, they don't really understand how they feel. They know how they feel, but they don't know why, or they can't express it into words as they can when they start getting older. Right. And looking back, I am, I'm really grateful now that it didn't damage our relationship permanently. And maybe if we would've continued on that path it would've, but it's not really something I even think about anymore. Yeah. But no, it's kind of cool though because Parker still is a mama's boy. Yeah. But like, he's just as much in the sense of you, and I like he just because he is so, uh, intuitive and like emotional and like, I feel like he does better having conversations with us. Mm-hmm. Versus like what he might have with Nick or with Aaron. Yeah. You know, he, I think he feels like he can kind of like, ah. Put down that whole like mainly man persona. Mm-hmm. Sorry. And he can just kind of like actually expresses emotions with us. Mm-hmm. And I know he loves that. Yeah. Yeah. Just be a kid. Just be a boy. Yeah. Doesn't have to be a man. Right. He's had that in between me. Yeah. He'll love that little stranger thinks Lillian, I have no idea. The upside down. I don't know. I'll let you know that. I don't know. Yeah. I will say now though, like I do still have that in the back of my mind here and there of if I, like I said, if I'm too hard or if I hold him accountable too much, I'm a little bit more cautious and more protective of him my relationship now than I am with Logan and i's relationship it's not that I take Logan and i's relationship for granted 'cause I definitely don't, but I just think. There isn't anything that I could do that would make her not love me anymore. And in my brain, there's some part that says if I'm too hard on Parker, then he might not love me as much, which may not be true, but that's my insecurities. Talking. I think that comes also with the fact that he's like a teenager now. Like even I kind of have those fears, you know? Because you never know what's gonna come out of a teenager's mouth. You never know what they're going to say or do. Yeah. So I get that, and I know Nick definitely feels that too. We've had those conversations. Mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, again, I was a step kid too at one point in time. Same thing. And you know, I had my feelings. So it definitely makes sense. I can see it from that. Obviously, I can't say from your angle 'cause I've never been a stepparent. Mm-hmm. I'm sure it's just like, I, I, it's an impossible role. Like, not an impossible, but it's so hard every day. Like you probably feel in a sense like you're walking on eggshells. Like you want to do the right thing always, but you also wanna hold them accountable and so that they're growing up to be. Good human beings, which is all our goal, right? Yeah. But again, it comes with that whole concept of like conditional versus unconditional. 'cause you want to be in their lives, but they don't have to keep you mm-hmm. In their lives. And that's terrifying. Yeah. So I can't even say that. I can imagine what that feels like, I am really appreciative of you and Erin supporting Nick and i's relationship with the kids because I don't feel like I have to fight that uphill battle with him anymore, and I haven't felt like that for a really long time. So I do feel supported in my role, so that helps me to show up in the best way that I can and show up as the parent that I want to be. And I think that's really helpful. I feel like in the different times that we've had, situations where like whether it was like a punishment, we don't do it individually. Like we always meet together the way we set up a time like all four of us with whichever child, and we sit them down. And we're all like a team. Mm-hmm. And I really think that that has helped the dynamic too. And supporting your guys' roles too. Like, Hey, you're gonna listen to all of us, we are all disciplining you in this moment. Mm-hmm. At, no, but I think that that is the most productive thing that we have grown into is being able to, handle situations fully together. And even if like we can't meet together, We've done a very good job of communicating across the board, like, Hey, they're grounded here. This is what they're grounded from. This is how long, like mm-hmm. So that we're both on the same page, so that they're not trying to take advantage of like, mm-hmm. Oh, I'm grounded here. But they don't know that, you know? Yeah. So I think that that's helped a lot with respect too, like knowing that we're all on the same page and it's not like a, oh, you're gonna be able to, because kids, they're gonna try to get away with what they're, I mean, we all did, right? But. Knowing that we're united Yeah. You know, in the role,, we all express it. We all say, Hey, this is, we're not, this isn't something to hurt you. We're truly trying to help you become a decent human being. Mm-hmm. Like in this world. Yeah. I guess a lot of kids don't have that, even with just two parents. Yeah. No, I think a lot of our punishments really do. I don't wanna say come with lectures, but they do come with a lot of communication. Yes. And we explain our why to our kids. And I honestly think that is gonna be so respected by them as they continue to grow up. And especially whenever they have children of their own. They're not gonna be like, because I said so. I said yes. I hate that because I said so. So yeah, because Braxton he is gonna ask me questions, why? But why? But why? Yeah. And I love that. Yeah. I love that he is not just gonna take whatever we say as gospel because he's, he wants to understand it. And I think we do a really good job of that. So the, my house, my rules concept is honestly toxic in my opinion, because this child, we will just talk in generalizations here. When one kid has two separate houses, they are the ones that are traveling between the houses and they have to kind of adapt to. What's okay at this house and what's okay at this house? And they're almost having to take on a couple of different versions of themselves. And, whenever you are like, my house, my rules, it's really confusing because that one child is being parented in a lot of different ways. So if you can come together and parent them, discipline them, and kind of keep that continuity going, that's a whole lot less stressful for that kid. So my house, my rules. You're thinking about yourself as the parent. You're not thinking about your kid, not really. You're thinking about what's gonna work for you in your house. So taking your ego out. We don't do egos here. Take it out and say, what's best for my kid? Why are they grounded at the other person's house? What did they do? We've already talked about it. But for people who don't really do that, I would really. Challenge you to lean in and try this one time your kid's grounded at their dad's house. We'll just say, you're the mom. Your kid's grounded at their dad's house. Understand why. Have a conversation about why. Have a conversation about what they have been grounded from, and then have a conversation about how you can continue that into your home because you're only doing right by your kid by doing that. Yeah. And it even kind of like leans into what, we just had a scenario last week Yeah. With Parker. Yes. Yes. So you reached out? I did, I did. I had a situation with Parker where he, you know, I made him clean his room and hadn't had one for a few weeks. Long story short, he very half-assed, cleaned his room. I went under his bed to look for something of mine that he had stolen, and he had hidden. So much trash and dirty clothes and random things. Like he clearly shoved things under his bed. And I was like, oh no. So I reached out to Aaron 'cause he was at practice and I was like, uh, how are we gonna handle this? And he didn't,, text me back 'cause he was busy. And like, I'm gonna ask Kara. I'm like, how would you handle this situation if it was at your house? And it was. Similar to the way I was gonna handle it, but different. And, I took your advice and ran with it and ultimately, it worked out really well, so I was really glad to be able to kind of bounce those ideas off of you and so that we could come to an agreement on what would be the best way of moving forward, because I. I'm new to parenting every single day. I've never parented tomorrow. You know, it's, yeah. One of us ever parented a teenager? No. This is new territory. Well, in streets, toddlers are nothing compared to teenagers. Oh, we thought that was hard. I know. Even twin toddlers. Nope. Oh gosh. They're gonna be twin teenagers. It's gonna be so fun. Go to your Aunt Kara's, or it's gonna be more like, I wanna go to Kara's. Right? Oh my God. Almost a year in everything was calming down. Mm-hmm. And I really think that that made a huge difference. And, I was already taking steps to make, you know, make things work, make things, um, more kosher. Mm-hmm. You know, as far as like my situation and I guess the pieces all just kind of started to fall into place. Mm-hmm. But it was very gradual. Yeah. Obviously it was not fast and quick. No, it was really uncomfortable for a, a long while, I would say. Yeah. Yeah. But we kinda faked it till we made it. Mm-hmm. Almost. Yeah. Which I think a lot of people do. Mm-hmm. They really try to paint the picture that everything's always, and I mean, I get that. I totally understand that. But, and then as things got better and even more like genuine people questioned it and they still probably question it. Mm-hmm. But, uh, I don't know, Since then, it's like been smooth sailing. Like have we had hiccups? Yeah, sure. Oh yeah, we've had hiccups and we're gonna talk about that next week. Which one? Oh, we're gonna go into my bad light next. Oh, that one. The oopsie text messages. The oopsie text messages. More mor to fight. It's gonna be so great. Oh my gosh, so bad. So mean I love you for who you are. No. So terrible. But yeah, well if you've made it this far, thanks for staying around. Yeah, it's been great memory lane. It's kind of hard to remember all these situations, even though they were significant in our past, but like it's been years. Yeah, it's been a long time. So. Uh, memory is weird. Human memory is kind of unreliable, so, so the timeline gets a little funky. Just know that we're doing our best. Yeah, it's more of a general timeline. Yeah. Yeah. Don't plot it on a map. No, don't try. So yeah, up. Thanks for sticking around with us and hopefully it wasn't too confusing, but. We're gonna get into some juicy stuff next week. I don't wanna, we've already hashed this out. Great. Yep. It's good. All right. Bye. Blended AF is an independent podcast hosted by Brianna and Kara, and produced by Brianna. We are not family counselors or licensed professionals. We're just real people sharing our real experiences, the wins, the mistakes, and everything in between. Nothing shared here is meant to replace professional advice. It's simply our story told honestly. Thanks for being here, and we'll catch you in the next episode.