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Okay. Plug it in. Plug it in, plug it. I'm scared. Okay. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yes. Yeah. Yep. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Here we go. 1, 2, 3. After 30 minutes of trying to, yeah, push start. It shouldn't have been that hard, but it was. It's fine. Yeah. Kind of like co-parenting. That was a good pun intended though. Okay. Well, neither of us know what we're doing. Well, this is gonna be fine. It's gonna be totally great. Is this a good look for me? It's fantastic. Um, okay. Well. Welcome to Blended as Fuck. Blended af. Yeah. What did we say? Welcome to blended af. Parental Advisory. Yeah. Recommended. Suggested okay. Ready? All right, here we go. Welcome to Blended AF. If you're here, chances are that your family does not fit into a neat little box. Um, really neither does ours. I'm Breahana. And I'm Kara. And this podcast is about blended families, co-parenting, just real life. All the conversations people usually avoid, but we are going to not avoid them. Uh, this specific episode's gonna be about how we handle the holidays. So good. Timing with Christmas, right, right behind us. So. All right, here we go. Uh, so Christmas is supposed to be this magical time, all of the, the family magic and watching your kids have the best time of their life, and it's just a little bit different whenever you have a blended family. It's not always perfect, but it can just be what, what you need it to be. And I think our. Situation has evolved. So whenever you and Aaron first got divorced or separated, it looked a lot different than it does now. So like what, what did that, I guess, process look like for you guys in the beginning? So, Christmas specifically was kind of one of those ones where when we went through the divorce, I was very specific that Christmas mornings were always gonna be mine. Mostly because in the past, Christmas didn't, wasn't really Aaron's favorite holiday in comparison to mine, so in my mind I was like, okay, well I'm gonna get that. And looking back on it, obviously that felt pretty selfish, but when you're going through it, you're not really thinking about any of the long-term effects of making those decisions. So in a nutshell on paper, even today, it still stands that Christmas mornings are "mine". So that's kind of how it started in the beginning. And then obviously more came into play. Yeah, families got bigger, more kids got added to the picture. Yeah. So, we definitely have evolved significantly, I would say, from that. How does it feel like this, this past Christmas and the Christmas before it, you didn't have Parker and Logan on Christmas morning? Yeah. I mean, I will say obviously as a mom and it's always hard not to have your children Christmas morning waking up, but I made that decision because I knew, uh, I, it wasn't all about me. I looked at the bigger picture. I looked at the fact that there was, what was it, probably about two or three years ago. I knew that your kids, Braxton and Nora, Maddie had to wake up and they had to wait to open gifts, even though Santa had brought them, and it just didn't feel right. And so I was in a rush to get through ours to get them over there. And then I think just sitting back on it and talking to Nick, I was just like, it just doesn't make sense. It's about the kids. It's not about us. And we can still have the Christmas. Moment, the, you know, the love, the joy, but it can be a couple hours later. Yeah. So that's kind of how we turned around and I, I think it works better. It just makes more sense now because the worst feeling as an adult, in my opinion, is knowing that there are children waking up, not getting to enjoy that rush, that joy that. Holiday cheer, if you wanna call it, Yeah the magic. Yeah, exactly. Because like who am I? I mean, my joy comes from my children and I want their siblings to have that same, and it just doesn't seem fair to hold that or delay that. Yeah. So that's kind of why I, I look at it. Yeah. I mean, I think that goes back to like why our co-parenting situation works like it does is because. In the moment. Yeah. You wanna make decisions that feel good for you as the person making those decisions. You're the mom. But if you put your kids first and in, in your case my kids too because they're all involved in this family. That's like when things, I guess, change and. I think that's the biggest piece that people don't understand. Or maybe they understand it but they don't want to do it 'cause it hurt. I mean, it sucks waking up Christmas morning like that. You have this picture perfect thing in your mind where you wake up and your kids are excited and you run downstairs and you don't have to worry about anybody else. You don't have to take into consideration other people 'cause you just wake up and you do your family. But it's different when your kids have two houses. Yep. And I mean, they don't choose this. Like we as adults have to take responsibility of the decisions I guess, that we've made along the way. And it's not really fair not to put them first. And obviously we, it wasn't always that way, but we've, every year I feel like we get better. Yeah, I think so. Like I would like to get to a spot where. You, we can switch on and off and Yeah. I mean, Aaron's not a morning person. We all know. I know. I was texting Parker. I'm like, go jump on him. He didn't wake up one time. So like in the last couple years, these really kind of celebrated all the holidays together and created new traditions while still trying to navigate. Traditions that you have had and your family and me and my family, and Aaron and his family, and trying to blend all that together while we're creating our own traditions too. And um, I mean, this was the first year that we really did like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together. Mm-hmm. And Thanksgiving. And Thanksgiving, yeah. Yeah. And I think all of our kids really enjoy it, and I like it. I mean, you're really the only people I hang out with, so Yeah, it's kind of crazy when we like take a look at it and I mean, yeah, I feel like it's the best of both worlds. Like we get to, I love being with my children just as much. I love being with your children. Like I love us. Honestly. I know it sounds like a Brady Bunch, but it's like it just works. I don't know, like obviously there's times when. Let's be transparent. Like Aaron and I will still get on each other's nerves, so we'll say little things. Have little, small, little digs here and there, but like it's because he and I are so much alike and so we're ornery like that. I don't know. Yeah. But the fact that neither one of us have to go without seeing the kids on a holiday is, I just feel like it makes everything worth it. Yeah. But truly I enjoy just as much. I mean, your kids call me their aunt, like I love that. Yeah. No, they, they like it. And to, to be Parker and Logan and imagine like having a great time at Christmas and then like, like, oh, I really wanna go tell my dad this, but, um, with my mom. Yeah. You know, it's, it's one of those things where they don't have to choose, they get to have a great time and they have both of their parents there. And then, they also have their stepparents too. Nick and I are there and. We are just one big happy family. Oh, and I think what's really cool is just like, and I know you can relate, actually, I know that all four of us can relate to absent parents and holidays and the fact that they not only have both, but they have all four. Mm-hmm. You know, and they know they're truly loved and there's no question about it because we're all working together to give them a great life. And this just goes for every day, not even just holidays. And I think that's really important and really special just because I know we all kind of struggle from our past, from our childhoods and things that we felt like we didn't have we're like making up for with them. Yeah, I mean that's what I think parenting is about. You always want better for your kids and you had whatever that way might be, whether it's financial or stability or whatever. But like honestly growing up, I don't really remember any like one gift that I got, but I do remember. The way I felt on holidays, and most of it is anxiety based. Yeah. So like our kids aren't gonna remember what they got on Christmas but they're gonna remember how it felt and they're gonna remember that they just had a good time and they were, you know, safe and loved. And that's really all that matters. But I think it goes to the point of putting your ego aside. Not just you, but anybody, but like your ego has to just go in a box. It has to be put away, and you can talk to it later, but in the moment, your kids don't care about your ego because you're gonna hurt them. If you choose to entertain your ego. Yep. More than you do your kids' experiences. I guess. No, I completely agree. I mean, that obviously takes us back to day one and like how everything, yeah. I don't know if we're going that far into it, but, and we can touch on it. I mean that's ultimately how it all transpired is we were planning Logan's birthday, was it fourth birthday? Fifth birthday? It was her fourth birthday. Fourth, yeah. And how we were each setting up separate birthday parties. Not including one another. 'cause that's just where we were at that point. Mm-hmm. And, which I think is really typical for a lot of people. Oh yeah. Like you hear about that all the time, or you see that all the time. Yeah. And one, I'm sitting here thinking like, not that I, we wouldn't give our children the world, but, why are we sitting here planning out separate parties to invite the same group of people? Putting those people in an awkward position. Like Yeah. They're like, are we obligated to buy gifts for both parties? Yes. You know, just, and it just didn't really make a lot of sense and it just seemed like a hassle. And it seemed like you could definitely tell it added stress to the kids. Mm-hmm. And made them feel some type of way. And I just remember that, I just remember the day that I was just like, this doesn't make sense. Like we, we gotta stop. And I think I messaged you guys and I was like, all right. That's it. Putting it down. Yeah. Taking the wall down. Like let's just do this. It was very, uh, impromptu. Mm-hmm. Like everything else in your life. Yeah. Yeah. I don't plan a lot of things. I'm just like, huh. Send it. Which is the opposite of how I work. Yeah. We're like a lot alike in a lot of ways, and then we're completely opposite in a lot of ways. So very impulsive. You're very well thought out. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I remember that day and I think. I was like, at that point in time, we weren't close at all. We were like, I knew who you were. Yeah. And we've had a couple conversations, but for the most part I was like, um-mm. I'm staying out. Yep. And then I was like. Um, sure. Let's do it. Let's, let's birthday party together. You're like, what's the secret agenda here? What's gonna happen? You know? I don't know. I remember feeling nervous because I didn't wanna step on your toes like as a mom. Yeah. But like, I mean, now you know that I have certain things to offer that are not your strong suit. Yeah. And that I can bring value. But in the moment you're like, I don't know who you are. Yeah. And this is my kid. You know, so I had a relationship with your kids, but I did not have a relationship with you. Yeah. And so like that's a whole nother layer of why I think blended families in general don't work very well because the stepparent either holds resentment towards the kids because of their relationship with the parent, the other parent, or they are trying to like prove some point. To the kid. I don't know. It's just like, again, it goes back to egos. Put your ego in the box. 1000%. Put it away. Yeah. Initially I obviously, I was very intimidated by you because I was worried the typical, like another woman coming in to take my role as a mother. And it, it's a territory thing. You know? We as humans, we're so territorial. Mm-hmm. And what's ours is ours. And exactly what you said, like. Setting aside our pride to see the bigger picture, to see the benefits of what it could provide, um, and not just hyper focusing on the negative of what we feel is negative. And then when you really open that door and allow that like when you allow yourself to. Truly put your children above you and not your own like personal feelings, you can actually take the time to see it for what it really is. 'cause I feel like when you get into that situation, you're so narrow, you're so hyper-focused on this person. This stranger's coming in and. Taking over or gonna do it better than me or gonna like provide love in areas that I can't, because I'll be the first to say that I come up shorthanded as a mom. Sometimes there's areas that I could work on. I think any parent has that, whether they admitted to themselves or not, but instead of dwelling on that and actually being like, my kids are just gonna have that much more. Mm-hmm. Rather than me being so hard on myself and tearing myself apart, I can look at it like I have a copilot. I'm like, cool. Like I have someone that can like, like tag team. Yeah. I don't know. It's such a weird, I know that a lot of people won't ever understand it. I hope they can, but it is pretty cool. I don't even know. I know it's, I agree. But even still, like for me. I still have that pause moment of like, I don't want to over for step. Like I don't want, I'm never trying to be in a position where like, I don't want Parker Logan to be like, you're not my mom. You know? So, and they haven't ever done that. But see, I was that step kid. I was terrible to my stepmom. Oh my gosh. I used to write horrible notes for her to find around. Like I was not the ideal stepchild. I will say that much. So I'm so grateful that my kids are kind. How do you feel like you're growing up as a kid with a stepparent and that clearly you didn't really accept very well. How do you feel like that's changed the way that you show up today in this dynamic of our family? I think a huge difference between my upbringing and my situation was definitely related to my relationship with my parent. Or with my dad, um, versus I see my children, they're taken care of. Like Aaron and I, we've had our ins and outs, you know, ups and downs. But at the end of the day, I know he's gonna show up for his kids. I know he is gonna be there. He has been there. Mm-hmm. And he always will. And so I have a lot of respect for, for him in that role. And I think that's why I gave him the benefit of doubt that like. Ultimately who he chose to bring into my children's lives. I knew he wasn't gonna just pick just anyone. Mm-hmm. Like he was gonna be selective. And so like, after a while, and obviously I had to figure that out for myself, and it did not come without obviously our own butting heads. I think that knowing I, well, I will say on the other end, I have seen it work. I have seen it being like it's functioned correctly with my mom and my stepdad. They've always kind of maintained a close relationship with, their past, significant others. Mm-hmm. And even though it's dysfunctional here and there, and it has been throughout the years, it still worked. So I always saw it as a possibility for myself with Erin and I wanted that. Just because a relationship falls. Apart. Doesn't mean that the rest of it can't still work. And I think that's what I learned growing up with that side of my family is that like it, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it can it just can still work. I'm so bad with words. Welcome to the podcast. Right? When you are a 30 something year old person, you have all this baggage and then you, you have kids and they unintentionally get kind of thrown into your baggage in certain ways. But of course, the goal is to try to keep 'em away and not have 'em in the thick of it. But, uh, this is their childhood. So me thinking about. My childhood and it was not great. Um, and then thinking about me as an adult, it's just, it kind of comes full circle, but with my kids and like all of them, if this is their childhood, so what do I want to hear them talk about in 20 years? And that's really the motivator for me. Yeah. Because if I, if I had to listen to them. Tell me all the bad things that happened in their childhood and knowing that I didn't do anything to try to make it better, like, I don't know, that would be a failure. Yeah, I'll say obviously. I came from divorced parents myself but I think all four of us, we all kind of can relate to that. And I think we're all trying to break generational curses mm-hmm. In some way, shape, or form. Mm-hmm. We just, at the end of the day, wanna make sure our kids feel loved and know that they're loved. Yeah. And I think that's what truly makes the biggest difference in what we're doing versus what I think a lot of families. Just don't take the time to open their eyes and realize. Yeah, and for me, this is a little bit presumptuous, but I think like if I see somebody who really is co-parenting poorly, I'm like, okay, somebody has feelings. There's still feelings there. Absolutely. And whether you want to admit it or not, I think that's where it boils down to is there's either like unresolved anger. Or there's still romantic feelings or feelings of grief because your family is broken up. And so if you don't deal with those, then it's going to continue into your co-parenting relationship. It's never gonna be successful. Yeah, it's definitely not a one size fits all. I mean, there's so circumstantial when it comes to these situations and like how people can. Thrive or not. Mm-hmm. Or just survive. Truly it is like survivor, thrive and you're, yeah. I mean, I feel like also with us, personality traits make a huge difference. The fact that yes, you and I are very much alike, but we're also opposites makes a huge difference in why we were able to initially like. Sit down mm-hmm. And like start having conversations whether they were hard and they weren't always good conversations. Mm-hmm. We definitely, we definitely had it out a few times. Yeah. But like, we still took the time to try to understand each other rather than just listening to respond. Mm-hmm. Like we're truly trying to understand and. A lot of people can't do that. I mean, that's just in day-to-day conversations too. Not even just like hard ones. Yeah. But yeah,, the difference being, I mean, yeah, a lot of couples, there's still feelings involved and you know, like Aaron and I, we were together a long time and he was one of my best friends for a long time as well, but like, when the romantic side fell out, like it just, it. It, it was done. You know, so it wasn't really one of those things where we didn't go back and forth. Like once things ended they were over. And, but for a lot of, I think for a lot of divorced couples or couples in general, like that's not the case. Yeah. So I do think that made a huge difference. Mm-hmm. So, yeah The fact that I pulled up all of your nails except your thumbs. Good to go. Thumbs up. Why are you just a nervous, Melanie? Yeah, you're the one all nervous about starting this and I was like, I'll let just fucking send it. And then here I'm, uh, I feel, I mean, it is awkward. It's hard to like put ourselves out there and like we're opening ourselves up to scrutiny. We're opening up to people questioning Yeah. The genuine island, you know, all of that. I'll go into my biggest fears and you can go into yours, but my biggest fears with starting a podcast about our family is like one, opening up our family to people who are gonna have opinions, whether they're good, bad, or indifferent or whatever. They're gonna still have an opinion about how we do life. And it's so personal to me that, I mean, fighting people, I better watch out. But, um, another reason is like, I don't know, sometimes I feel like a filter in the family. So like, if I hear Aaron. Jabbing around. And I'm like, all right, I'm gonna filter some of this out. Relay the message that he actually is trying to say. And you know, and it keeps the train on the tracks and same with you. And so I have to shine light on that. 'cause that's part of the reason why this works. And so,, bringing light to something Oh yeah. That nobody wants to really acknowledge is, uh. It makes me feel nervous. I feel like anybody that knows Aaron or I and or has been around since when we did go through our divorce, they know, they, they know, but that Aaron is not, soft spoken. He's very unfiltered. Mm-hmm. What he means and what he says is not the same thing. And he, he, if he offends you, he does not care. He doesn't, so I don't think that that's anything. I mean, and, but for anybody first or just now coming in, like we're fully aware, like we've said from the get go that Brie has been like the missing puzzle piece, which sounds so weird. I know it sounds cheesy, but like. For the longest time, I will put this out there. For the longest time, anything that was something that hard came up, something hard came up, I would always go to her because I knew she would find a way to word it in a way in which he could receive it. Mm-hmm. And then it would go the other way around. He would have something to say that was spicy and she would have to reword like, I, yeah, it, this is, it still happens sometimes I will clarify. There are still moments. It's still an active process. Oh yeah. But I say, I will say we've gotten a lot better, but yeah, we still have our times because for those that don't know, Erin and I are like the same person. We're very emotionally driven, and emotionally responsive. So when some type of tension occurs or something, a just disagreement of any sort, whether it's with the kids or just overall, like we don't respond in an initially, like in an intelligent manner. We don't think things through before we say them. We're both up like that. And while Nick and Bree are very rational, very thought out, very like. I won't say they're not passive because they both have, but they, they're just like the, you know how they say the opposites attract? Like we didn't really get that initially. Now we understand that 100% your first marriage is for people who are exactly like you. Yeah. You know, like, you're like, oh my God, this person is just like me. We like the same music and we like to do the same things and we're, we respond in the same ways. Your love languages and your hate languages are the same. Yep. And then you realize, oh shit, that ain't gonna work. So your first pancake gets tossed out and then you find somebody who's completely opposite of you. Of you in a lot of ways. Yep. So you can balance yourself out. Exactly. And I think that's the reason why, like I said before, like Aaron and I were always really good friends. Like the friendship was never a question when it came to our relationship, we got along great in that aspect, but relationship wise, there was always issues. Let's be honest, the communication did not exist. Let me just say, the communication still, you know, as far as my fears of this? Yeah. What is your biggest fears going into this podcast? I mean, probably the same as you. I mean, definitely opening ourselves up. It's raw, it's real, so it's frightening. Mm-hmm. You know, because even what we say, people can take it out of context in some way. Mm-hmm. Or assume that we're filtering it like, but this. I mean, this is about as honest and transparent as we're gonna get. Mm-hmm. Um, I mean, just to be clear, I'm gonna edit out the ums and the, the stupid stuff, but I'm not gonna just make us look like a good light. Like this is who we are and this podcast will get easier as we go along and we're gonna get more fluid. But we don't know. We've never done this before. This is the first time that we've hit record in our trying this out. So. And if people stick around this long, I bet they'll stick around longer. And there's gonna be topics that come up that may turn people's heads a different direction. They may not see it the same way. They may disagree entirely, and that's okay. Mm-hmm. We just ask that you respect that this is our story and we're just trying to shed light on. The possibility of others being able to find their way in this world, because it is, it's hard. You feel isolated when you're in, uh, these types of situations, especially newly divorced. Mm-hmm. You feel like you don't know who to turn to. You know, you trust issues are on a all time high. Mm-hmm. And you just, there's minimal guidance out there in my opinion. And we're just trying to help anyone who might want it. I don't know. Yeah. So think about to that first, that very first Christmas after you guys got divorced or separated. What did that feel like? That was hard. Uh, it was depressing, because at that point in my life, I felt like a failure as a mom because, you know, our family was broken. Mm-hmm. And. You are told in society like, make your family work. You know, it means mom and dad are together with the children, you know, and so it was just sad and selfish feeling and it just didn't feel right. Mm-hmm. But then like, fast forward to today, like this was probably one of the best Christmases we've ever had. Mm-hmm. And so I really truly feel like everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn't want it any other way than the way it is now. Like I can honestly say that I'm happy, you know? And I know he's happy everybody's, you know what I mean? It sounds cheesy, but we're all fucking happy. Let's be, I know it's been a long journey though to get here. What has it been? Seven years? I think so, yeah. Seven, eight. Long damn time I didn't have the same experiences you did with them. Like I've always been a single mom, like I didn't have a family that really got broken up. It, it was different. So it was always just me and Braxton. And then I met Aaron and he had two kids, and we all just kind of clicked as a family really quick. And then it wasn't right away that I was like, oh yeah, there's like this other person, their mother. It was an instant, but it was pretty close to the front of my mind. But I, it was never a dynamic that I ever had to like actually understand myself. My kids never had to go to their dad's, you know, that was foreign to me. So, um, like putting myself in your shoes, I think I'm a pretty empathetic person. So, thinking about things from your angle of how this must feel, that's what I think was. Something that helped drive me wanting to show up as my best self. 'cause I could have not, I could have been the, a mega, you know what you can say bitch, like a bitch. I could have been, and sometimes I wonder, if I was. Where would we be? Like, would it all have not worked out like this? Yeah, no. Not in a little bit energy match. You would've just been like, oh, this is what we're doing. Okay. Pretty much, yeah. That, no, I'm definitely appreciative. I think that makes all the difference in the world is the fact that you were willing to, I've always appreciated the fact that you've been willing to see, it from my side and even in times when like. He and I have had disagreements. You've always, I wouldn't say you've played devil's advocate, but you've truly put yourself in both places and even at times when I'm in the wrong, you've been able to word it in a way that I can hear it because you know that I also don't receive things very well. Yeah. But I'm appreciate even in those moments, like I'm like, you know what? I needed to be called out on that. I needed to hear that because I'm not always right outta that. Mm-hmm. I'm selfish sometimes too but sometimes it takes hearing it or for somebody else to see it or provide, uh, feedback. Yeah. Because parenting it, this is like the hardest job. Let's be real, everybody thinks that anybody that makes this looks easy. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're taking, but you're sharing, but mm-hmm. It's like there's no book. It's hard. But we are creating a podcast. Yeah. For co-parenting. Unfortunately we did not have one to follow. No. But hopefully other people will get something out of this. I don't know what they're gonna get, but they're gonna get something. We're just gonna hear two women jabbing and rolling around in circles, you know? Yeah. Well, Christmas is over. Yep. Now we get to go back to reality and our next podcast is gonna go start from the beginning. Oh boy. It has a lot to unpack. I think it's the fun stuff though. Really it's most of it going through how we got here to this functional ish. It's functional. I think it's pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty okay. Dynamic, but it didn't start out this way. No, I think we've given a little bit of a tease on how it did start, but we don't dive in. Mm-hmm. Next time. Don't look at me. Oh God. I hope you guys are prepared for how weird we are though. For real. I mean, not that it is not already kind of obvious, but I will say, I think the best part about it is that yes, we are, this is about co-parenting, but it truly has developed into so much more than that. I can honestly say you're my best friend. And I know it's, I think the, the best thing, the funniest thing that comes from this is when strangers will come up to me and they'll be like. So, were you guys best friends before they got to get Oh, I'm like, are you, you? Yeah. I almost want to go with it, you know, it's like, yeah, you, yeah, that's exactly, we shared, we just went, eh, that's for another podcast. Cut that apart. Oh yeah. But yeah, just the, I guess the, I mean, truly like the friendship that's, been created out of this, like, it goes way further than just co-parenting and very appreciative of that because it's, it makes 'em more fun. Mm-hmm. I don't know. In my opinion, like even your kids, like they look at me as a family member. And it's completely fluid. There's no question about it. And they don't know any different. Yeah. And I love that. I love seeing them. I love Nora running to me when she sees me at the baseball fields. Mm-hmm. Like just runs into my arms. I love it. Yeah. I think I've always been chasing family because I didn't really have a functional family, so that's all I've ever wanted. Yeah. So I'm literally living a dream. Yeah. That's just my little dream. Duh. The end. The end. That works. Okay. Bye.